Why We Shouldn't Meddle
by Nari-chan SND
Summary: Mary Suewriter is a normal teenage girl... until she writes a fanfiction involving a Sue who destroys the Potterverse. She is then punished by being thrust into the books to see what would really happen if someone showed up with all the answers. R&R!
1. The Beginning of the End

I don't own Harry Potter.

WARNING: SPOILERS TO ALL BOOKS UP TO DH ARE IN HERE! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE WHOLE SERIES!!!!

This story does contain bashing of Mary-Sues; it is a parody, so don't take anything seriously. Thanks go to Mina for helping me edit and iron things out.

* * *

_And so it begins…_

Mary Suewriter was just a plain 13-year-old girl. She had friends, she went to school, she ate, she slept, she breathed. And she was obsessed with Harry Potter. She obsessed over the books day and night. She loved the movies, too, even more than the books. She would pop in one and fast forward to all the parts with Daniel Radcliff in them. If he wasn't in the scene, she skipped it. If it was a particularly good scene, she would pause the movie and rewind it again, and again, and again… She rather fancied him, which explained why Daniel Radcliff himself had given her a restraining order after she basically attacked him at the premiere of the fourth movie. She hung it on the wall and displayed it with pride just because poor Mr. Radcliff had signed it.

_So, in the nutshell, she was just a normal 13-year-old girl._

When she finished the seventh book, she was devastated. No, it wasn't because all those beloved characters like Hedwig, Mad-Eye, Dobby, Lupin, Tonks, Fred, and Colin Creevy died. No, no, she was upset because Harry had fallen in love _with another woman_ who was not her.

_The plot thickens._

So, one day, she sat down at her computer with all seven books at her side and began a tale. She wrote a tale of love, a tale of adventure, and a tale that would violate all established principles that made the Harry Potter world the Harry Potter world. She wrote the tale of young Mary Weasly, Ron's long-lost third cousin thirteen times removed who hails from America and who was now transferring to Hogwarts.

_Okay, so things are starting to sound bad. It gets worse._

Mary Weasly is a Metamorphagus. That is not all she is. She is also part veela, part mermaid, part centaur, part giant, part goblin, part house-elf, part hippogriff, part bowtruckle, part niffer, part Pgmy Puff, part Blast-Ended Skrewt, part thestral, part knarl, part dragon, part flobberworm… so basically she's part everything in the magical world. Yet with this impossible species range in her genealogy, she still maintains a beautiful human form.

_Barf-bags at the ready, everybody._

She had beautiful red hair that shines with the brilliance of a flame. Her eyes are a clear blue. Her skin is a flawless ivory. Although, she could change all of this in a heartbeat, considering she's a Metamorphagus. She also surpasses Hermione in brains and Fred and George in humor, although she is perfectly capable of being sweet and sensitive when it is required.

_Things just go downhill from here._

When she arrives at Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat thinks that she is just so perfect that another house should be created just for her. Since she is humble and kind, she graciously refuses, so the hat just sticks her in Gryffindor. She sits down next to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Harry, naturally, is smitten by her unearthly beauty that surpasses that of any female he has ever seen and immediately falls in love.

_It's painful, isn't it?_

Mary Weasly magically becomes friends with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. She helps them through the years as they struggle through Hogwarts, while managing to tell Draco Malfoy and Professor Snape off at every opportunity she can (and, remarkably enough, gets away with it considering that Snape is a teacher and would probably throw anybody who said anything nasty about him in detention). In their third year, she teaches Harry how to make a Patronus, creates a cure for being a werewolf, convinces everybody that Sirius Black is innocent, and captures Peter Pettigrew with a well-aimed stunning spell. Although, due to the incompetence of Dumbledore, Pettigrew escapes. And he goes back to Voldemort.

_Would you like it to stop?_

In their fourth year, she and Harry both become Triwizard champions and the Hogwarts champions get in a three-way tie for the cup. There, in the graveyard, Cedric tragically perishes (with much angst from Mary) and Voldemort gets resurrected on her and Harry's blood (because what fun would that be if it was just Harry?). They manage to escape and Mary is able to convince everybody that Voldemort is alive again.

_If so…_

Then, in their fifth year, Mary manages to tell off more mean people (this time it's Umbridge) without even a stern talking to. She helps Harry with Occlumency (which she happens to already know) and together they figure out what is in the Department of Mysteries. When Harry has his vision of Sirius in the Department of Mysteries, she, him, and the D.A. (co-taught by Harry and herself) go to his rescue and fight off the Death Eaters. Mary manages to save Sirius' life and is hurt by Bellatrix in the process. Naturally, Harry is very angry about this and discovers the love for her he always had. He goes after Bellatrix and nearly kills her. Voldemort stops him, though, and Dumbledore comes and duels Voldemort. Dumbledore is losing miserably when Mary comes to his rescue and gets Voldemort to leave. Dumbledore then tells them about the prophecy that involves both her and Harry and how they must both defeat Voldemort or perish trying.

…_then please…_

In their sixth year, Mary and Harry take lessons with Dumbledore on Voldemort's past and learn about the Horcruxes. They also discover their feelings for each other and start going out. Mary then meddles and gets Ron and Hermione together. She then figures out what Malfoy's up to in the Room of Requirement and thwarts him by sneaking into the room when he's not there and destroys the cabinet. While she's there, she destroys the Horcrux in the room. After that, she finds a way to heal Dumbledore's cursed hand so that he will not have to die. After that, she manages to convince Lupin to go out with Tonks. Then, she figures out who the Half-Blood Prince really is. And when she and Harry go with Dumbledore to destroy the Horcrux, she manages to vanish the potion in the basin so that nobody will have to drink it and they discover that the locket is a fake. They go back disappointed and the end of the year is uneventful.

…_give me twenty Galleons._

In their seventh year, they go off and destroy Horcruxes. Along the way, Mary discovers a spell that will bring people back from the dead. In the final battle at Hogwarts, she kills Voldemort and manages to bring everybody good who died back to life. And then she and Harry got married and lived a happy life with lots of kids.

_Thank you._

Mary Suewriter looked at her completed story with satisfaction. She had done it. She had written a masterpiece. It was perfect.

She smiled and picked up the books (which, as it turns out, she had never needed to use after all) and started to walk over to put them back on the shelf. Suddenly, something odd happened. Her computer screen blared an angry red and sucked her in, books and all.

Mary Suewriter had disappeared.

* * *

_Hogwarts, 1993_

"—unless _he_ was the one… unless you switched… without telling me?" Lupin was babbling what sounded to Harry to be incoherent nonsense. Harry was even more confused when Sirius Black, the notorious murderer, nodded.

"Professor," Harry interrupted loudly, trying to restore a sense of normalcy to the world, "What's going on--?"

But he never finished his question because a deafening explosion was heard as a young thirteen-year-old girl came tumbling out of thin air, books flying out of her hands and into the air. She hit the ground with a crash and knocked herself unconscious.

"What the--" Harry started.

"Bloody hell!"

"My sentiments exactly, Ron. Who's that?" Hermione asked. Sirius stooped to investigate, but before he could get to the girl, something else caught his eye. He picked up one of the seven hardcover books that had flew out of the girl's hands and looked at the cover.

"Blimey!"

"What?" Remus now rushed over to Sirius, peering over his shoulder. "A biography?"

"Did he--"

"Maybe…"

"Possibly…"

"Does he really have an ego that--"

"Git."

"Sirius, we don't know that he--"

"But he could have--"

"Why not just ask him?"

Remus and Sirius looked up from their conversation over the book cover and stared at a rather confused Harry.

"Harry, did you authorize the publication of a biography on your fist year at Hogwarts?" Remus asked Harry.

"No, I never -- WHAT?!"

Sirius and Remus both showed him the cover of the book. It had a still-life image of himself and it said, _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_.

* * *

That's the end of the first chapter. I hope you all liked it. Hopefully, I will be able to post the next chapter by tomorrow. Please leave lots of reviews! 


	2. The Ripple Effect Begins

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

"What the… but I never… who…?" Harry said weakly, taking the book from Sirius and staring at it. "This can't be right." Harry began flipping through the pages. 

Remus began picking up the other six scattered books and looked at their titles. His eyes widened. "Harry…" He began.

"Blimey…" Harry murmured, not paying attention to Remus. "This is so accurate it's scary…" Harry handed the book to Ron. "Take a look at this, Ron, it gives a perfectly accurate description of how we took on that troll on Halloween two years ago…"

Ron flipped through the pages with Hermione looking over his shoulder. "Bloody hell," he murmured, "It's almost like this person's inside your head, Harry…"

"Are you sure you didn't give an interview to someone, Harry?" Hermione asked. "Maybe they used a memory charm like Lockhart used to do."

"Maybe…" Harry mused.

"Impossible," Remus stated.

"What?"

"Why not?"

"It sounded good to me."

Remus shook his head at the trio. "Look, there's no way that could be true. The author published a third book."

"What?!"

"No way!"

"Bloody hell!"

Remus opened the third book and read in silence for a few moments. Then, he paled. "Oh, shit…"

"What?" Sirius read over his shoulder. "Oh, shit…"

"How could I be so stupid?!"

"Yeah, usually it's me… or Wormtail… well, mostly it's Wormtail…"

The rat in Ron's hand gave an indignant squeak.

"Are you going to tell us what you both are talking about or what?" Ron asked.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no…" Remus groaned and started pacing the room.

Sirius sighed and flipped a few pages back and then smirked. "Excellent," a grin spread across his face and he dropped the book, "Snivellus."

"Oh, shit," came a disembodied voice near the entrance to the room.

Sirius lazily pointed Ron's stolen wand in the direction of the disembodied voice and muttered, "_Levicorpus_."

With a howl of rage, Snape became visible as his body was hung upside-down by his ankle and Harry's Invisibility Cloak fell off. He leered at Sirius murderously. Remus stopped pacing like a maniac and ran over to Snape.

"Severus! Severus! Oh thank God! Did you bring it? Please tell me you brought it!" Remus said with a slightly manic look in his eye.

"Tut tut, Lupin," Snape sneered. "If you can't remember what time of the month it is, you really shouldn't be here, should you? Somebody could get hurt by your… careless mistakes."

"You know, Snivellus," Sirius sneered back, "I wouldn't talk freshly like that if I were you considering your position." Sirius twirled Snape's wand in his other hand.

Snape let out a few choice swearwords as Remus groaned and continued to pace the room.

"Careful, Snivellus, there are children present," Sirius snapped.

"What are you going to do, Black? Kill me? Although I wouldn't be surprised considering your track record."

"Don't tempt me, Snivellus," Sirius retorted.

"Seriously, what's going on around here?" Ron asked.

Lupin stopped pacing long enough to pick up the dropped book, open it to a certain page and hand it to Ron. "Read it. It explains everything; Sirius is innocent and…"

"You're a werewolf!? That's impossible!" Ron exclaimed.

"No it's not, Ron," Hermione retorted. "It's been why he's been missing all those classes; they were all at the full moon, or didn't you notice?"

"And tonight's the full moon," Remus said, grimly.

"But then… what are you still doing here?" Harry asked. "Somebody could get hurt or…"

"For once, Potter, you display intelligence above that of a flobberworm," Snape said.

"Don't talk about Harry like that, Snivellus!" Sirius croaked, pointing his wand at Snape.

"I'll talk about Potter any way I want, Black," Snape replied.

"How come you're defending me if you're trying to kill me?" Harry asked.

"It's quite simple, Harry," Ron said, looking up from the book, "Sirius is innocent. He wasn't your parents' secret-keeper. Unknown to everyone else, Sirius suggested that your parents go with somebody else because he thought that he would be an obvious choice. Therefore, Pettigrew was made their secret-keeper and it turns out that he was You-Know-Who's spy."

"But Pettigrew's dead. Sirius killed him," Harry said.

Ron shook his head. "Pettigrew framed him, Harry."

"But he was blasted to bits!"

"No, he just made it look that way. He actually cut off his own finger and escaped. In fact, he's right here in this room."

"Is there another Invisibility Cloak that I should know about?"

"No, Harry, you simpleton, he's Scabbers. Sirius wasn't pointing at me, he was pointing at Scabbers. If I could just have my wand back… Ah, thank you Sirius," Ron said as Sirius handed him his wand back, causing Snape to fall to the ground. Sirius merely cast the spell again with Snape's wand, returning Snape to his rightful position in the air.

Ron pointed his wand at Scabbers and muttered something. Soon, Scabbers was squirming in the air and transformed back into the man known as Peter Pettigrew.

"Wow, Ron! See how smart you could be if you just read a book once in a while?" Hermione said.

"No thanks; I prefer to be the dumb sidekick that makes everybody else look like geniuses," Ron replied.

Sirius gave an evil grin and now pointed Snape's wand at Pettigrew, who had been attempting to quietly sneak out of the room while the side-conversation had been going on and said, "_Levicorpus_." Peter rose into the air with a shriek.

"Well, Snivellus, still think I have that track-record?" Sirius asked, gesturing to Pettigrew.

"I… I… I…"

"C'mon, Snivelly, it can't be that hard to say!"

"I… I… I…"

"Close enough, I suppose," Sirius pointed Snape's wand at its owner and said, "_Liberacorpus_." Snape fell to the ground again with a thump and a few more swearwords.

"Blimey, Professor, you could teach a class on those!" Ron said in reference to Snape's language.

"He's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" Lupin wailed. Everybody stared at him as he was holding a book entitled _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_. Apparently he had begun to read the book while all the others had been talking.

"Wow, Moony, you _do_ read fast," Sirius said, gesturing to the thick volume. "But, who's back?"

"Voldemort," Lupin whispered.

* * *

This is the end of chapter two. I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave lots of reviews! 


	3. Do not speak the Dark Lord's name!

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

Everyone gasped and Snape hissed, "Do not speak the Dark Lord's name!" 

"I KNEW HE WAS ALIVE!" Peter squealed.

"Bloody hell!"

"Ron!"

"Hermione!"

"Trelawney," Harry suddenly said.

"It's Ron, mate."

"No, I mean Trelawney!"

"What, so now we're all just speaking in crazy-talk! Are you all completely loony?" Sirius exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air in his frustration. Peter squealed again as he zoomed upward and hit his foot on the ceiling.

"Sirius!" Lupin said sternly. Then, he turned to Harry. "What about Sibyll, Harry?"

"She made a prophecy about Voldemort--"

"DO NOT SPEAK THE DARK LORD'S NAME, POTTER!"

"--rising again because his servant would return to him before the end of the night. I thought she was talking about Sirius…"

"Hey!"

"But, I guess she meant Pettigrew."

"What else does the book say, Remus?" Sirius asked.

"Cedric Diggory is killed by Vol--"

"DO NOT SPEAK THE DARK LORD'S NAME!!!"

"--demort," Lupin finished sadly.

"D-D-Diggory?" Harry said. "Blimey!"

"Here, Remus," Sirius said, tossing Lupin the next book. "What about this one?"

Lupin opened the book and began to read it.

"So, Sirius, are you going to let me down before all my blood goes to my head?" Pettigrew asked.

"No," Sirius stated simply.

"Why not?"

Snape cleared his throat.

"Because."

"Why?"

Snape cleared his throat even louder.

"I hate you."

"Why?"

Snape began to cough.

"You're a cowering, sniveling, betraying, back-stabbing, no-good git."

"What?"

Snape coughed as though he was just about to expire.

"I thought I made that quite plain, Pettigrew."

"Er…"

Snape then entered into a real coughing fit.

"Then again, you always were very thick."

"Hey!"

Snape stopped the spasm and began to clear his throat again.

"What is it, Snivellus?"

"My wand, Black."

"What about it?"

"I want it back."

"BITCH!" Lupin yelled, red in the face with fury. Everyone stared at him. "Sorry, I just really hate your fifth-year Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

"So you don't stay?" Harry asked, feeling disappointed.

"No, Snape tells everyone that Lupin's a werewolf," Ron stated.

"Jerk," Harry growled.

"Watch it, Potter!"

"We're out-of-bounds, so, you can't give me detention."

"Wait until we get back in bounds, Potter."

"Shoulda thought that one through, mate," Ron said.

"My wand?" Snape repeated.

"Now, Snivellus, here's my dilemma," Sirius began to drawl, twirling Snape's wand (Peter squealed as he spun cartwheels in the air), "If I return your wand to you, I am defenseless… so, if you were to think about attacking me, I would stand no chance. So, I think that I'm going to keep this wand. Better you than me, I figure."

"SIRIUS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Lupin cried out.

"What?"

"You… You… You…"

"Look, Moony, if it bothers you that bad, I'll give ol' Snivelly his wand back…"

Lupin shook his head, looking very pale. "S'not that. Sirius, you… uh… you…"

"I what? Does something happen to me in Harry's fifth year? Am I caught? Is it the dementors? Remus, answer me!"

"You… You… You…"

"MERLIN'S BEARD, REMUS! ANSWER ME!!!!!"

"You die," Lupin whispered.

* * *

This concludes the third chapter. I would like to thank Mina-chan AMD, Ogreatrandom, and xpotcluver94x for reviewing for the previous chapter. Please leave lots of reviews! 


	4. The Plot Thickens

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

All of the blood that was left in Sirius' already pale face drained. "What did you say?" 

"Sirius, you die," Lupin whispered, equally pale.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yelled Sirius.

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Yelled Snape.

"Jerk," Harry muttered.

"I heard that, Potter."

"So, Remus, how do I… you know… um…"

"…die?" Snape supplied cheerfully. "…kick the bucket? …croak? …drop dead? …become deceased? ...depart from this world? I have more if you'd like…"

"No, Severus, we get the point," Remus replied. "Sirius, you die in a battle in the Department of Mysteries."

"How?"

"You fall behind a curtain."

"That's it? Did I hit a wall? Split my head open? Get hit with the killing curse? Get horribly maimed?"

"No, you just fall behind a curtain."

"Well, that's…"

"… disappointing? …embarrassing? …pathetic? …humiliating?"

"That will do, Severus."

"…that's LAME! What, I don't even get a proper death scene? Was I not good enough? I just fall behind a curtain; that's it, game over? THERE HAS TO BE MORE! READ!"

Lupin looked mildly shocked and continued to peruse the book's pages. He shut the book and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that's it. The most climactic thing after your death is Harry's temper-tantrum in Dumbledore's office. Apparently he's going to take losing you rather hard."

"Temper tantrum? My, my, Potter at fifteen? Can't you act a little more… your age?"

"Hey, I'm not the one doing a jig after my arch-enemy croaks!"

"Careful, Potter!"

"What, so you can insult me but I can't insult you?"

"Precisely."

"How fair is that?"

"That, Potter, is school."

"Professor Lupin, what happens after that?" Hermione asked.

Lupin sighed and picked up the sixth book and opened it. After a few pages, he muttered, "Traitor…" He shot Snape a dirty look.

"What?" Snape's eyes widened. "What about me?"

"You make an Unbreakable Vow to Narcissa Malfoy to help Draco accomplish a task which was assigned to him by V--"

"DO NOT SPEAK THE DARK LORD'S NAME!!"

"—oldemort."

Peter shuddered. "Sirius, my blood's all gone to my head."

"Good, maybe it's filling the place where your brain should have been!" Sirius snarled.

"Seriously, can you let me down?"

"Now, Wormtail, let me share with you the predicament that I'm in--"

"AARGH!"

"Moony, what? Are you okay? Is it the moon?"

"Sluggy's back."

"Potions? What happened to--?"

"Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

"WHAT???"

Lupin looked at the trio. "Professor Snape takes the Defense Against the Dark Arts position in your sixth year."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the trio cried out.

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

"Professor Lupin, why couldn't you just come back?" Harry asked.

"Well… erm… There are new laws, apparently, that greatly… erm… limit the rights of… uh… people like me."

"You mean werewolves."

"Very perceptive, Miss Granger, although I think that Lupin was talking about half-flobberworms," Snape sneered sarcastically.

Lupin merely smiled with amusement, picturing in his mind's eye Neville's boggart-Snape.

"Shouldn't you be reading?" Sirius asked, still trying to cope with the fact that he was dead. "Moony? Moony? Is it the full moon?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry, Sirius, I was elsewhere…" Lupin said with a final smile and then continued to read the book.

"_Now_ can you--"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pl--"

"_Silencio_!" Sirius said and Peter's voice ceased to work.

"Nice one," Harry said.

"Fifth year charms… I'll never forget the wonderful uses of the Silencing Charm…"

"And neither will I."

"Can it, Snivellus."

"May I have my--"

"_Silencio_!" and Snape ceased to speak.

"I could definitely see the uses of that," Harry said, picturing a mute Draco Malfoy.

"Yeah, it wears off after a bit, though…"

"Still…"

"Yeah…" They said in unison.

"Wow, you two have really bonded in the past… fifteen minutes," Ron said.

"Shouldn't the moon be coming out by now?" Hermione asked, nervously.

"Nope. It comes out when we leave the Shrieking Shack," Ron replied.

"But we never discover the books in the third book," Hermione retorted. "That could change everything."

"That sounds very strange, you know," Ron said.

"Well, I suppose so. Time is such a frustrating thing to have to deal with."

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

"LET ME DOWN! LET ME DOWN! LET ME DOWN!" Peter screamed, the Silencing Charm finally having worn off.

"Scream yourself hoarse for all I care; I'm not letting you down!"

"Can I have my wand--"

"No."

"But I--"

"No."

"Give it to me!" Snape screamed and lunged at Sirius, trying to grab his wand, but Sirius easily stepped aside.

"You've gone a bridge too far this time, _Snivellus_," Remus said in a low, quiet voice, taking out his wand and aiming it at Snape.

"Look, it's no problem, Moony, I still have the wand--"

"It's not that, Sirius," Remus pressed his wand against Snape's throat. "This _traitor_ killed Dumbledore."

"WHAT?" everybody exclaimed in unison.

"The _coward_ killed him when he was defenseless. And then he fled," Lupin's lips had formed a tight, thin line similar to the facial expression Professor McGonagall wore when she was furious. "And I could end it… I could change it right here… One curse…"

"But… but you'd…"

"Yeah, I know. And, to be frank, I don't care."

"I have as much desire to kill Dumbledore as you do, Lupin."

"You say that now… before Voldemort – don't even say it, Severus – returns."

"Yes, and I know that he will come back. And I know that Dumbledore will die. And I still say that I do not want to kill him."

Lupin looked directly into Snape's eyes. Snape met the gaze head on. Both were silent.

"Can you let me down, now?" Peter squeaked.

"SILENCE, WORM!" Sirius roared.

Lupin lowered his wand.

"Wha--"

"Harry, he's not lying."

"But--"

"He's not. Whatever they were, Severus had his reasons for murder that night. Maybe…" Lupin looked back at the books and began to read the pages once more.

"Blimey," Ron said. "Who would have thought… out of any of us that it would be… him to… you know… go like that…"

"Yeah…"

"Merlin's Beard…" Lupin whispered, pale.

"What is it?"

"I… I can't believe it…" Lupin gave a small chuckle. "Of all people, me…"

"What is it?"

"How could she… _ever_… unthinkable…" Lupin muttered.

"Spit it out, Moony!"

"It's, erm, personal…"

"What, do you snuff it?"

"No, not yet, anyway… does anybody know who Nymphadora Tonks is?"

"She's my second cousin. Why?"

"Er… she just told me that she's in love with me."

* * *

This is the end of the fourth chapter. Thanks go out to Mina-chan AMD, The Amazing Chez, and Ogreatrandom for reviewing for the previous chapter! Please leave lots of reviews! 


	5. Of Love, Life, Death, and Potions

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

"WHAT?" everybody exclaimed. 

"Who woulda thought our lil' Moony would ever have a girlfriend?"

"I never said I accepted."

"Did you?"

"Yes, but my judgment--"

"How much did you drink, Moony?"

"Nothing! There was pressure and grief… and she must be _very_ pretty…"

"Oooh! Moony and 'Dora sitting in a tree!"

"Sirius…"

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"_Please_…" Remus turned red.

"FIRST COMES LOOOOOOOVE."

"_Please_, Sirius…"

"You're embarrassing him. Keep it up," Snape said, smiling.

"THEN COMES MARRIAGE!"

Remus merely groaned.

"THEN COMES THE MUTANT BABY IN THE BABY CARRIAGE!" Snape finished.

Remus suddenly turned pale. "I would never…" Hurridly, almost in a panicked way, he picked up the seventh book.

"Can you let me--"

"No."

"Pl--"

"Keep it up and I'll kill you," Sirius growled.

"And get sent to Azkaban?"

"Great idea! I'll just give you to the dementors!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Oh no…" Remus moaned.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"I'm… I'm…"

"…dead?" Snape asked hopefully.

"No," Lupin whispered. "I'm married."

"REMUS AND--"

"Don't even start that, again," Lupin snapped and continued to read.

"You know, having all of this about our lives being given away is very depressing…" Ron said. "Almost makes you wonder what the point is."

"Yeah…"

"Ron, Harry! We didn't even find out what happens to us!" Hermione explained.

"Well, the three of you drop out of school…" Remus said over the book.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hermione screamed, twitching on the ground. "There's no point to life! There's no point to life! There's--"

"You dropped out to help Harry on a quest to vanquish Voldemort--"

"DON'T SAY THE DARK LORD'S NAME!"

"Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!" Harry sang.

"Oh that's really mature, Potter. I wonder how many detentions I'll be giving you… maybe for the rest of your school career…"

"Well, that doesn't mean much since I drop out!"

"--that none of us, especially Wormtail, Severus, and I should know about considering that we're the only outsiders in this room who live… so far…" Lupin finished, trying to ignore the eccentricities of the others. He then continued to read.

"Is there still a point to life, Hermione?" Ron asked.

"Well, I suppose that there are a few more years left of school… and then I'll see from there…"

"That's the spirit! Besides, when you drop out of school, you can still buy books to memorize word for word…"

"True…"

"No," Lupin whispered, turning gray.

"Did you snuff--"

"No, Severus. I'm going to… be a father."

"We're sick and tired of hearing about your personal issues, Lupin!" Snape snapped.

"Well, then, I can talk about yours… YOU CUT GEORGE'S EAR OFF, YOU SICKO!"

"What… George!" Ron suddenly turned an angry shade of maroon. "I'm gonna--"

"Limp at me?" Snape sneered. "Not much you can do with that leg of yours, Weasley."

"Well, I've still got a--"

"No, Ron! If you attack a teacher, you'll get expelled!"

"Yes, Weasley, listen to Miss Granger. She's the sensible know-it-all to your erratic stupidity."

"Are you saying we're a--"

"RON AND HERMIONE--"

"Shut it, Harry," Ron grumbled. "I don't see you having much of a love-life."

"Oh, he gets with your sister," Lupin said airily as he continued to read.

"YOU--" Ron's face turned a deeper shade of maroon.

"Better me than Draco Malfoy."

"What, he--"

"No, just saying…"

"I guess it's true."

"Ron, you deserter," Lupin whispered, glaring angrily at Ron.

"What, I never--"

"But you will."

"I don't see why--"

"Trust me on this."

"All right, but I'm sure that I'd come back."

"And I'm sure you would, too, Ron."

"Thanks, Hermione."

"Don't thank me, it's the truth."

"RON AND HERMIONE--"

"_Silencio_!" Ron roared and Harry let out a croak. "Shoulda worked… don't understand… why is it always me?"

"Oh, that's just disgusting!" Lupin said, turning green.

"What, it wasn't that gross; last year one of Ron's spells had him belching up slugs… now _that_ was gross…"

"No, it wasn't that… Bathilda… Nagini… full… chamberpot… corpse…" Lupin muttered incoherently.

"Clearly he's too traumatized to say anything more… move along, Moony… do I come back, yet?"

"Chamberpot… full…"

"I'll take that as a yes?"

"Nagini…"

"Er, Moony?"

"Bathilda… corpse… Voldemort…"

"DO NOT SAY THE DARK LORD'S NAME!"

"Is Voldemort--"

"DON'T SAY HIS NAME, POTTER!"

"—a corpse?"

Lupin shook his head. "Bathilda…"

"Bathilda Bagshot, author of _A History of Magic_?"

Lupin nodded at Hermione.

"You really are a know-it-all, you know, Hermione!"

"Ron!"

"'S true, Hermione."

"Can you let me--"

"_Avada_--"

"Sirius, no!" Hermione yelled.

"How do you know--"

"_Avada Kedavra_ is the killing curse. It's one of the Unforgivable Curses that can get you sent to Azkaban for life. I read it somewhere in a library book I took out for a bit of light reading."

"You call reading about Unforgivables light?"

"Well, admittedly, the content wasn't light, but the level of reading itself was--"

"All right, all right! I get the point!"

"I forgive you, Ron," Lupin said with a smile.

"For what?"

"For being a deserter. You came back! And you saved Harry's life!"

"Right, then…"

"Well, thank you, Ron!"

"I'm sure it was nothing big."

"Well, he would have drowned if you hadn't come!"

"Can't swim, Potter? Clearly, fame isn't everything."

"Can it, Snivellus."

"What can't you do, Black? Can't think?"

"_Serpens_," Sirius said, lazily. Snape was transfigured into a small black snake, which attempted to hiss menacingly. Sirius smiled and levitated the snake so that it was zooming around the Shrieking Shack, spitting furiously, occasionally colliding with Pettigrew, who was also now zooming around the room.

Ron and Harry both roared with laughter and Hermione was trying to keep a straight face, but was failing miserably.

"Change him back, Sirius," Lupin said lazily.

"Do I have to…" Lupin gave Sirius a stern look over the book. "Oh, fine." With a wave of his wand, the snake transformed again to become a livid Snape.

"You're out of line, Black," he hissed.

"And you're lacking a wand, so I don't really care what you think," Sirius retorted.

Snape's face turned an ugly shade of red and he looked as though he were ready to kill Sirius.

"Hee, hee!" Lupin cackled. "Good news, Sirius! You don't have to kill Pettigrew!"

"What?"

"Voldemort – oh for crying out loud, Severus – kills him. Well, technically, he strangles himself, but Voldemort – don't say it, Severus – makes him do it."

Peter turned very pale. "I… I… I… die?"

"Three down, one to go!" Snape said in a sing-song voice.

"I don't think I would be killed…I'm a proud father!" Lupin replied.

"What, you have a--"

"Yes, Severus, and it's a healthy boy, so no more mocking--"

"MOONY AND 'DORA--"

"That goes for you too, Sirius!"

"I die!" Pettigrew wailed.

"Yeah, so shut it, Wormy!"

"Since I'm doomed to die, anyway, can you let me down now?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you're still a traitor."

"I'll change my ways, I swear it!"

Sirius just rolled his eyes. "It's too late for that."

"Actually, he saves Harry's--"

"Not helping, Moony!"

"Seriously, shouldn't the moon be out by now?"

"Give it a rest, Hermione!"

"Why don't we just send Snape back for the potion?"

"Well, Hermione, he could be back with reinforcements, like that git, Malfoy…"

"Good point, Ron."

"Thanks, Harry."

"We could send somebody to go with him. Any volunteers?"

"Why not you, Hermione, since you suggested it?"

"Er…"

"Exactly, it would look odd coming back into the school with your wand pointed at your teacher! People would ask questions… not to mention he would be able to give detentions once we're back on school grounds…"

"Well, the potion's on my desk so I could…"

"No, Remus, unless you want to transform in the middle of the school!"

"… send somebody to get it. Seriously, Sirius, how thick do you think I am?"

"Sorry."

"Hermione, here's the key to my office," Lupin dug around in his pocket and threw Hermione a set of keys. "There should be a potion on the top of my desk. Take the Invisibility Cloak and hurry!"

Hermione nodded, put on the cloak, and then disappeared.

* * *

This if the end of Chapter 5. I would like to thank The Amazing Chez, DariaM, Cedric Lover, PottersChick7, sir alanna of pirate's swoop, Ogreatrandom, Mina-chan AMD, and Kathryn Lee for reviewing for the previous chapter. Please leave lots of reviews! 


	6. Hermione Returns

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

"I've made a decision…" Pettigrew said after a brief period of silence. 

"What, are you going to stop being a git?" Sirius asked.

"No. I've decided that I'm not going to go back to my Master."

"Really?"

"Yes. If I'm just going to be killed, what's the point? From now on, I'm on your side."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

"Oh no, Tonks!" Lupin cried out.

"What is it now, Moony? Did your girlfriend--"

"—snuff it?"

"No, Severus. She came to the battle of Hogwarts. Oh, and Ron, I'm sorry to say that Fred… Fred… well, he…"

"—loses an ear?" Ron finished hopefully.

Lupin shook his head.

"… an arm?" Lupin shook his head again. "… an eye? …a toe? … a leg? … a foot?"

"Snuffs it?" Snape asked.

Lupin nodded.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FRED!"

"What about me?"

Ron gasped and turned around, only to meet the eyes of Fred, George, Percy, Neville, Dumbledore, and a guilty-looking Hermione.

Lupin paled and looked over the book, Sirius gave a yelp as though he had been hit in the face, Peter squealed, Snape smirked, Harry's eyes widened in shock, and Ron screamed, "What the bloody hell are you all doing here?"

Fred smirked. "Well, George and I were walking past ol' Professor Lupin's office – oh, sorry, didn't see you there, Professor, sorry about the old comment--" Lupin made a choked sobbing sound and shook his head from behind the book, "Professor, are you crying?"

Hermione rushed to Lupin's side and handed him the Wolfsbane potion. "Here, drink this, Professor," she said. Lupin smiled at her, wiping the tears from his eyes and downed the potion with a grimace.

"You were saying?" Ron said.

"Right…" Fred shot Lupin a worried look and then continued with his story, "So, we were walking past Professor Lupin's office – for our own perfectly innocent reasons, mind you –" Fred and George exchanged mischievous looks, "So, we found it rather odd when the door decided to open on its own accord…"

"…and we discovered Hermione, here sneaking into Lupin's office with the keys…" George continued.

"… probably stole his keys and broke into his office to make sure she passed her final…" Ron snorted and Hermione cast him a dirty look.

"… well, she claimed that she was just here for that potion on his desk and that she really had to get going…"

"… Amateur, really…"

"… So, we pretended to let her go on her merry way…"

"… But we followed her…"

"… Secretly, of course…"

"… She had mud on her shoes…"

"… Purely amateur…"

"And then I found them," Percy said. "While I was doing my patrols as Head Boy," Percy puffed his chest out to emphasize the Head Boy badge gleaming on his chest, "I spotted these two," he gestured to Fred and George, "skulking around for what I assumed was no good. So, I followed them…"

"… and then he caught me in the corridors," Neville interrupted. "I was on my way to Professor Lupin's office to ask him whether I had passed my final…"

"… and you did, Neville," Lupin said with a weak smile.

"Oh, good! But, before I got to his office, Percy caught me out of bed and he made me come with him so he could punish me later… said something about trying to catch some pranksters…"

"… and then I found them walking through the corridors," Dumbledore said with a smile. Lupin looked up and positively began to wail. "Er, Remus? Are you quite all right?" Lupin shook his head, putting down the book to blow his nose. Even Snape dabbed a rather gray and greasy-looking handkerchief to his eyes. "Well, it wasn't that heroic or selfless or anything, but… I decided to join them. We tracked Mr. Weasly and Mr. Weasly here to the Whomping Willow, which had been immobilized for some reason, and we went through the tunnel to find all of you here."

"So, now who's going to tell us what's going on here?" Percy asked, looking around the room, stopping when his eyes met Sirius Black. "YOU!" Percy pulled out his wand and pointed it at Sirius. "What have you done to my brother, you fiend?"

Sirius rolled his eyes but said nothing.

Dumbledore looked at Snape, who refused to make eye contact, blowing his nose on the greasy handkerchief. "Severus? Can you tell us what happened?" His eyes turned to a sobbing Lupin. "Remus? What tragedy has occurred here?" Dumbledore's eyes calmly surveyed the rest of the scenery, falling from Sirius holding Snape's wand, to Pettigrew floating by his ankle, to Ron on the ground with his mangled leg, to Harry, calmly standing next to Ron, and finally resting upon the forgotten unconscious girl on the ground. "I daresay that from what I see now, it seems like a very enthralling tale."

Harry piped up and explained how he, Ron, and Hermione had snuck out of the castle to see Hagrid before Buckbeak had gotten executed and how Pettigrew (Scabbers) had gotten away from Ron and how he had chased the rat and then when he had picked him up how he had gotten attacked by the large black dog, who dragged Ron into the tunnel under the Whomping Willow ("Sorry about that, Ron, it was necessary," Sirius said.) and how Harry and Hermione had gone in after him. Then they explained how they had fought Sirius and then how Lupin had come in before Harry could kill Sirius and disarmed all of them ("How could you, Professor?" Percy gasped. Lupin sobbed, trying to get himself to pull together.) Then, they explained the interruption of the strange girl with her strangely accurate series about Harry and then how Snape had sneaked in and how Sirius had discovered him using the third book.

Then, Lupin tearfully explained what happened, in detail, in the future books and where he had left off.

"This is some type of joke, right? I mean, I can't just _drop dead_ like that, can I?" Fred said with a weak smile.

Lupin shook his head. "I'm afraid not."

Dumbledore merely smiled, benignly (and rather strangely for somebody who was just told that he would die in three years at the hands of one he thought to be trustworthy) and said, "Continue, then, Remus. Let us discover the fate of the others in this battle for Hogwarts."

Lupin gulped, having gained more composure and nodded, applying himself to the book left open on the ground.

"So… you're innocent?" Percy said to Sirius.

"Yes, your real murderer is right here, dangling upside-down by his ankle," Sirius sneered.

"But I told you that I don't plan to go back to him anymore! I'm on your side now! Can't you let me down now?"

"No."

"Let him down, Sirius," Dumbledore said. "If he tries to escape, I daresay that we have more than enough people to overpower him."

Begrudgingly, Sirius pointed Snape's wand at Pettigrew and muttered, "_Liberacorpus_." Peter fell down with a squeal and sat up, rubbing his head.

"Oh no…" Lupin groaned.

"Please tell me it wasn't me!" George shouted.

"No, it's not you, George, it's… it's… Severus."

* * *

This is the end of chapter six. I would like to thank Mina-chan AMD, The Amazing Chez, Flamespirit-eth, craziigirl, and Ogreatrandom for reviewing for the previous chapter. Please leave lots of reviews! 


	7. More Bad News

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

"What, me?" Snape asked, paling. "How?" 

"You were killed by Voldemort's snake on his orders."

"DO NOT SAY THE DARK LORD'S – oh, what's the point? Why did he kill me, then?"

"He killed you because he felt that it would make the Elder Wand respond to him. And for some strange reason, you gave Harry a bunch of memories."

"Read on, then. At least my death scene was dramatic," Snape shot Sirius a dirty look.

Lupin nodded, grimly and read on.

"Well, Professor Dumbledore, you're taking your death rather well," Harry commented.

"Well, Harry, I can't say that I'm not shocked, because I am; I just happen to be very good at coping, a skill that you could really use, by the way."

"Well... I suppose you're right," Harry said, although he was not at all comforted by what he had hoped would be something incredibly sagely that Dumbledore would tell him, like he knew that he was going to die like this from the beginning. But, instead, he just got a rather incoherent babble.

"Well, at least we don't die," Ron said cheerfully.

"Not yet, anyway," Hermione pointed out. "It seems like people who are close to Harry tend to have a habit to dying off, I wouldn't be at all surprised if we were next."

"Way to stay nice and cheery and optimistic, Hermione. I really wanted to hear that my death is somewhat imminent."

"AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lupin cried out, sobbing. "It was so close..."

"Who died?" Snape asked.

"I remember a time when that was just a figure of speech," Dumbledore mused.

"I did, Severus. And so did my wife, Tonks," Lupin said in a strangled voice. "And to think that we were so close... so close to making it out... Poor Teddy... my son... an orphan..."

"You should have known you were going to die," Dumbledore commented, "After all, why would only one Maurauder live? You were dead as soon as Sirius passed through that veil..."

Lupin sobbed.

"You can dish it but you can't take it," Snape commented.

Lupin sobbed harder.

"It's okay, mate, I'm his godfather," Harry pointed out.

Lupin wailed hysterically.

"So, how did you go, Moony?" Sirius asked. "Was it dramatic? How many Death Eaters did it take to take down the legendary Remus Lupin?"

"... That sounds like some kind of sick joke..." Snape added.

"... How many Death Eaters did you take down with you? How did Harry react? How did..."

"I... I don't know."

"What do you mean? You _did_ die, didn't you?"

"I... I did."

"So, what was your death scene like?"

"I didn't have one."

"WHAT?"

"It's mentioned in passing that we're one of the bodies in the pile, lying there, peacefully... and then Harry just goes on. He doesn't even call out our names... or throw a tantrum... or try to kill anyone... he just walks away!"

Snape pointed and laughed at Lupin. "Even _I_ got a death scene! James had one, Lily had one, Sirius had one, Dumbledore had one, Dobby had one, Hedwig had one, even _Peter_ had one!"

Sirius cast Lupin a sympathetic look. "I guess ignorance is bliss, mate," he said, "I mean, at least this way you can imagine yourself dying in some heroic, manly way, instead of just falling behind some stupid curtain..."

"We're talking about Lupin's problems, not yours, Sirius," Harry pointed out.

"Maybe it'll be in somebody's recollection, like Lily and James' death scenes..." Lupin muttered, turning back to the book.

"Wow, I guess the job really _is_ cursed," Ron pointed out. "Almost every one of our Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers snuff it: there was Quirrel, and now Lupin, and Mad-Eye, and then Snape... bloody hell, the only two who live are Umbridge and Lockhart... wow, those were really my top two of teachers I'd like to still have standing at the end of disaster..."

"Wow, you're right..."

"Whoa, Snape!" Lupin exclaimed. "I've never read anything more disgusting, yet touching, yet completely creepy in my entire life!"

Snape paled. "Wait, aren't I already..."

"...you gave Harry memories, remember? And he just went into them... they're about you and Lil--"

"Don't say it, Lupin!"

"Since you reveal my secret, I think I have the right for some payback... Snape had a crush on Harry's mum for their whole lives."

"NOOOOOO!"

"What?"

"Harry, he was obsessed with your mum. He wanted Voldemort to spare her so that he could have her for himself. He turned to the good side because of her... blimey, he even saved your life because of her... Lily..."

"Ew! That's gross!"

"Yeah, oh, and you apparently have to die in order to defeat Voldemort because you contain the final Horcrux..."

"Well, isn't that jolly?" Harry said, sarcastically.

"Welcome to the club, mate," Sirius said sadly, gesturing to himself, Dumbledore, Fred, Pettigrew, and Lupin. "Let's just hope that you go in a more dignified way than I did..."

Lupin sighed, hating to be the herald of death, and read on.

"You know, Snivellus, you're really pathetic. You couldn't even talk to her and tell her how you felt, and then you lost her to James! And then you still fancied her, even though she was _married_ and had a _son_!"

"I don't see you having much of a love-life."

"Yeah, well, that's because I was in Azkaban for twelve years and then I was on the run for two... and then I died..."

"Well, what about the few years before you were captured? Lily and James got married; why didn't you?"

"Well, Snivellus, I was fighting _Voldemort_ with the Order of the Phoenix, so I didn't have much time for a love-life. Lily and James were a special occurrence."

"Well, if you say so... I personally think that you're just making excuses."

"Well, nobody really cares what you think, so be quiet, Snivellus."

"At least I have a manly death scene!"

"If you call bleeding to death on the ground and giving memories to a person you loathe manly," Lupin pointed out.

"But it was a snake bite! That's manly!"

"If you say so, Severus..."

"Well, at least I _have_ a death scene!"

Lupin leered at Snape and continued to read.

"You know, before I, you know, I want to pull a really big prank... the Ultimate Prank..." Fred mused.

"You don't mean..." George started, a look of awe on his face.

"I do..." Fred said with an evil grin.

"Well, it sounds like you've already pulled a legendary prank," Hermione pointed out, "In your final year when you did all of those things when Umbridge became headmistress."

"True, true, Hermione," Fred said. "But, those weren't _the_ Ultimate Prank."

"Then what is the 'Ultimate Prank'?"

"That, Hermione, is a secret between expert pranksters only. Since you're only an amateur, we can't tell you."

"Well, then, I'll just ask Sirius. He was a big prankster back in his day."

"Excuse me? 'Back in my day'? Am I that old that that sentence applies to me?"

"Well, you're over ten years out of Hogwarts..."

"But I'm still _young_! For heaven's sake, I'm only thrity-three years old! I'm not even forty yet!"

"That's not the point, Sirius. Do you know what the 'Ultimate Prank' is?"

"I might, but, since I'm so old, I'm not sure I'd be young enough to know. I mean, these things vary with generation."

"Sirius..."

"Why didn't you just ask me?" Lupin asked, looking up from the book. "Frankly, I'm a little insulted that you thought of Sirius before me. I'm just as much a Maurauder as he is."

"What about me?" Peter pointed out. "I was a Maurauder too!"

"Yeah, but you were more of the decoy than the actual prankster."

"Yeah, Moony, but you were the cover-up. You just got us out of sticky situations when the decoy failed."

"And I talked you two out of doing the more extreme pranks..."

"Oh yeah, I remember that. You talked us out of filling the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher's classroom with bubotuber puss... you were always such a spoilsport, Moony!"

"But he still resigned because of you, me, and James."

"Wait, why you?" Hermione asked. "I thought that you didn't participate in the pranks."

"Well, yes, but considering the fact I knew more about the subject than him..."

"Oh, yeah! All those times when you'd raise your hand and say, 'Excuse me, Professor, but I think that's wrong... it's _protego_, not _protege_.'"

"Wow, that sounds like Hermione..." Ron pointed out. Hermoine shot him a very dirty look.

"What about--"

"Decoy."

"But--"

"That's all you'll ever be, Wormy," Sirius said. "Decoy."

Peter sighed and pouted.

"So, will anyone tell me what the 'Ultimate Prank' is?" Hermione asked.

"No."

"Oh, come on, Sirius!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pl--"

"Keep it up, Hermione. I'm sure I'll give in. Throw in a couple more 'old man' comments and I may just tell you everything about all the pranks that could ever be pulled."

"I said I was sorry!"

"And I'm still not going to tell you."

"Sirius," Fred said, "have you ever--"

Sirius shook his head. "James and I dreamed of doing it, but we never dared... we were never ready."

"How do you know when you're--"

"You don't," Sirius replied with a shrug. "You just never know. And even if we did try it, Moony probably would've talked us out of it."

"Hey! I... Well, I guess it's true. That prank would've gotten them expelled, maybe even sent them to Azkaban."

"Well, Moony, I don't know about that..."

"Well, it probably would've."

"What is it?"

"We can't tell you that, Hermione. You're not among the Chosen," Fred said, sagely.

"Excuse me?"

"The Great Ones. The best of the best. In fact, you're not even a prankster..."

"I beg to differ."

"Tell me one prank that you've pulled."

"I snuck into Snape's private storage and stole some boomslang skin in my second year."

"So it was YOU!" Snape hissed. "And to think that I thought it was Potter."

"Oi! I resent that! Why do you always assume it's me?"

"It's in your blood, Potter."

"My bl--"

"Like father, like son."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Your father had an enjoyment for breaking the rules, Potter. Surely you realized that by now?"

"True, but how do you know that I don't take after my mum? I mean, after all, I have her eyes and the eyes are the windows to the soul... so maybe I'm like my mum. Maybe you just see me and hate me because I look like my father. Or maybe you hate me as a product of a union that you despised considering you wanted to get with my mother. Maybe..."

"That's ENOUGH!"

"Wow, I've never seen him twitch like that... _ever_," Sirius said with suprise, "Way to go, Harry! I see that you've inherited your father's 'annoy Snivellus to no end like nobody else' gene. I've missed seeing his face turn that special color."

Harry smiled. "I seem to have struck a nerve. You know, Professor Snape, maybe you would like me if you actually sat down to get to know me. But you've chosen to be prejudiced against me. Well, it's nothing that a good, long session of therapy wouldn't cure."

"Since when did you get your degree in psychology, mate?" Ron asked.

Harry shrugged. "It comes and goes."

Snape said nothing. A nerve in his temple was pulsing and his face was that ugly deep crimson it turned when he became particularly furious. His lip was curled unpleasantly as a tic in his right cheek began to jump, making his eye twitch.

"You're dead, Harry," Lupin said sadly.

"What?"

"I just finished the chapter. You used the Resurrection Stone to see me, Sirius, Lily, and James as you walked to your death. You just walked up to Voldemort and he killed you."

"That's horrible! Was it _Avada_ _Kedavra_?" Hermione asked.

Lupin nodded.

"Well, at least it was painless," Ron pointed out.

Lupin sighed and continued to read. "Oooh... this is interesting," he said. "We're seeing Harry making a journey into some kind of afterlife."

"Don't tell us, read!" everyone yelled.

"Well, at least it was manly," Sirius pointed out. "A lot more manly than any of the other death scenes that we've heard about..."

Harry smiled at Sirius, appreciating his attempt, still trying to cope with the fact that he only really had four years to live.

"Ooooh... it's Dumbledore! Harry, you're talking to Dumbledore!" Lupin exclaimed.

"DON'T TELL US, READ!"

"Well, now we know there's an afterlife," Sirus pointed out.

"Unless the Killing Curse doesn't really kill," Hermione retorted. "It could do something that separates the soul from the body. I mean, we don't really know, do we?"

"Your heart stops," Sirus pointed out.

"What if they're just put in a state of suspended animation? The Killing Curse doesn't destroy any internal organs or anything; it just stops all bodily functions. How do we know that they're really dead?"

"Well, how do we know that the veil in the Ministry really leads to death?" Sirius pointed out.

"We don't! They just disappear and can't be brought back by any spell that we know of."

"Well, I guess that's a good point..." Sirius started.

"Wait, but I use the Resurrection Stone to see people who have been hit with the Killing Curse and someone who fell behind the Veil of Death," Harry pointed out. "Since it can only be used on the dead, not the lost, the Killing Curse really does kill and the Veil of Death really does give death."

"Since when did you become the smart one?" Ron asked.

"See, here's how things work with me," Harry said, "I'm generally clueless except for these tiny bursts of logical insight. I think it's partly because I spent my childhood being beat senseless by my cousin, Dudley, so most of my brain cells are dead."

"Ah, that makes sense," Ron muttered.

"Well, I guess you're not really dead," Lupin said. "There's something about the way you died. You're allowed to either go on to the afterlife or to continue living. You're going to live."

"What makes him so special? Why didn't anybody else get that choice?"

Lupin shrugged. "It probably has something to do with the Horcrux inside him."

Sirius huffed, moodily. "You're out of the club, by the way," he said to Harry, "Since you don't die."

"But I have a death scene!"

"But you're not dead!"

"Oh, fine! I don't need your stupid club, anyway!"

"Well, fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Sirius and Harry turned their backs on each other, both looking angry.

"Way to go, Neville!" Lupin exclaimed.

"What? What did I do?" Neville asked, jumping at the sound of his name. Before, he had been staring around the Shrieking Shack trying to wrap his mind around the very strange events that had occurred this night, wondering if he was dreaming. However, he dismissed that theory because there were no giant tacos in his dream. Even in his nightmares, there were always giant tacos...

"You cut off Nagini's head with Gryffindor's sword! You destroyed a Horcrux!"

"I did, did I?" Neville pinched himself and then promptly rubbed his arm, just to make sure, in case he needed to prepare for Lupin turning into a giant dancing taco.

"Yes, you did! Don't look so surprised!"

Neville gave a weak smile, wishing for some evidence that this was all some nightmare induced by eating too many 'Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans'.

"Keep reading! Don't stop now!" Harry exclaimed.

Lupin sighed and continued to read the book.

Sirius still had his back turned to Harry's back. Slowly, though, he felt his anger ebb away as it was replaced with regret. It wasn't Harry's fault that he didn't die, after all. It was merely the facts of life, or lack of it. He felt the overwhelming urge to apologize, something that Sirius Black had refused to do in all of his life. Maybe that's why he never could keep a girlfriend...

"Harry, I'm sorry!" Sirius cried out, turning around.

"Me too!"

"I shouldn't have been so angry with you! You can't control your fate!"

"And I shouldn't have snapped back at you! You still need to cope with the facts of your death!"

And with that, godfather and godson embraced after their first tearful argument.

"Sirius, you've been avenged!" Lupin said with a smile.

"What?"

"Bellatrix was killed!"

"Ooooh! Really? Happy day!" Sirius did a bit of a jig and then stopped. "By who?"

"Molly Weasly."

"WHAT?!" all four Weasly brothers exclaimed.

"_Mum_?" Ron exclaimed, mouth agape.

"_Our_ mum?" Percy exclaimed, also trying to wrap his head around this new fact.

"She wouldn't hurt a--" Fred started.

"Well, she might--" George interrupted.

"She does tend to have a bit of a--"

"--a lot of a--"

"--temper." both twins said.

"But could she--"

"--Lestrange was really--"

"--horrible--"

"--and mum is--"

"--_mum_--"

Lupin smiled at the foursome. "It's true. Bellatrix tried to kill Ginny and that didn't suit Molly too well, so--"

"Did she use the Killing Curse?" Percy asked, worriedly.

Lupin shrugged. "It doesn't say. All it says is that Molly's jinx hit Bellatrix in the chest and she died."

"Wow," the four whispered.

"That must've been some temper," Ron said.

"Good thing I'm not going to be alive to see it," Fred said with a smile, "Being dead's already starting to pay off!"

"Oho!" Lupin exclaimed, eyebrows going up. "Very clever, Harry... very clever... protection like that... of course..."

"Excuse me?"

"You died trying to protect everyone and since you did it in such a way, everyone got protection from Voldemort's spells."

"Interesting. I'm very smart, aren't I?"

Everyone merely stared at Harry and chose not to make any comment.

Lupin smiled and continued to read.

"I wonder if there will be any more deaths," Hermione mused.

"Hopefully just one," Harry said grimly.

"You're talking about You-Know-Who, right?"

"Of course he is, Ron!"

"There's no need to snap at me, you know."

"Honestly, Hermione, you really need to control your temper a little better," Fred said.

"Yes! He's dead!" Lupin whooped with an ecstatic smile.

"Who? Me or Voldemort?"

"Voldemort of course!"

"Oh." Harry smiled and cheered.

"You killed him... well, sort of. The Elder Wand refused to kill you since you are it's master, so, it killed Voldemort instead."

"So, is that it? Does the story end there?" Hermione asked.

"No, there's an epilogue," Lupin said. "And yet, there's still no mention about how I died..."

"I guess you weren't important enough to have a death scene," Snape sneered.

Lupin rolled his eyes and continued to read.

"Well, I guess alls well that ends well, right?" Ron said.

"Not for all of us," Sirius pointed out glumly.

"Oh, sorry, Sirius."

"Nobody respects the feelings of the dead."

"But you're not dead yet!" Hermione pointed out.

"I might as well be!" Sirius pointed out. "I don't do anything important! I might as well just turn myself into the dementors and be done with it!"

"Sirius, don't talk like that!" Hermione said, worriedly.

Sirius sighed and sat down, mumbling about life and its pointlessness.

"Well, you and Ginny get married, Harry. And you have three darling children," Lupin said, closing the book.

"What? _Ginny_? As in _Ron's_ _sister_ Ginny?"

"Yes, that Ginny. Oh, Ron and Hermione get married as well and have two kids."

"WHAT?" Ron and Hermione both exclaimed, looking at each other in horror.

"I..."

"But..."

"He's..."

"She's..."

"It's..."

"Bloody hell!"

"Two... kids..."

"Bloody hell!"

Everyone else looked perfectly unfazed as if Lupin had merely told them that tonight was going to be cloudless; perfect for viewing the full moon.

Lupin smiled. "Let's see... Oh, Neville becomes the Herbology professor... and that's about it that any of you here would be interested in..."

"So that's how it ends..." Harry mused. "At least it sounds like I'm going to have a good life."

"At least you live!" Sirius pointed out.

"Sirius, you knew that two books ago! Can't you just let it go?"

"No!"

Suddenly, the forgotten girl on the floor groaned and stirred.

"Did you say something, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

"No."

"Remus, is it the--"

"No, otherwise I'd be screaming in pain on the ground."

Dumbledore looked at the stirring form of the girl. "Ah! I almost forgot about her!"

"Did she write these books?" Harry asked.

"Maybe she's from the future!"

"Ron, if she's from the future, why would she risk coming here with the series? It could seriously mess up the timeline! And if you do interfere, there are serious implications!" Hermione pointed out.

"Like what?"

"You go to prison!"

"You mean Azkaban?"

"Yes, that prison, Ron!"

"Oh... How do you know all of this?"

"I have a time-turner, remember? Lupin told everyone when he recounted all of the books."

The girl groaned and stirred again. Her eyes fluttered open and she rubbed her head. "Where am I?" she groaned.

* * *

And so ends chapter seven; the longest chapter in this whole story… hopefully. I would like to thank Mina-chan AMD, IloveMooney, The Amazing Chez, Rejecting A Name, Kathryn Lee, craziigirl, and Ogreatrandom for reviewing for the previous chapter. Please leave lots of reviews! 


	8. She Awakens!

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

"Where am I?" the girl groaned as she sat up and rubbed her head, her vision slowly adjusting. 

Everyone stared at her, suspiciously, wondering whether they should say anything, considering that she had not appeared to notice any of them.

The girl blinked and took in her surroundings. "None of this is familiar..." she muttered. Then, her eyes froze on her curious, yet suspicious, observers. She gasped. "What? I'm here? This can't be real?"

Nobody said anything.

"It's a dream, that's it... it's just another one of those blissful dreams where I wake up in the Harry Potter world and Harry and I... but if that's the case, why don't I remember falling asleep...? My story... and then the computer... but then what...?" She shook her head in confusion and then fixed her eyes on Harry, drinking him in. Harry blinked, finding this whole thing rather disturbing.

"Harry!" she squealed with an overly perky smile. She ran up to him and embraced him as if he were an old friend... or more than just a friend. Harry flinched at the contact; after all, he had found out that he was apparently a happily married man who had three children... well, he was going to be that anyway...

"Do I know you?" Harry asked.

"No!" she was still smiling very creepily. "But I'm sure that we'll be the best of friends in no time!"

"Er..."

"I know! I'm so excited, too! I mean, I'm actually in your world!"

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah," she said, airily, "I've read all about you in those books!" She gestured to a pile of books on the ground by Lupin. "I'm your biggest fan!"

"Um..." Harry tried to draw away from her but her grip was too firm. "What do you mean you read about me in all of these books when some of this stuff hasn't even happened yet?"

"Oh! That's right!" For the first time since she had laid eyes on Harry, she looked at someone else. This someone else just happened to be Sirius. "That's why he's still here..."

"Are you from the future of something?" Harry asked, still trying to peel out of the strange girl's vice grip around his stomach.

"Oh," the girl drew back. Harry sighed in relief and took a deep breath, massaging the place where the girl had gripped him. "How rude of me... no introduction at all… well..." she cleared her throat, "My name is Mary Suewriter and I'm from the real world."

"The 'real world'?" This time, Lupin spoke up. "Excuse me Miss, er, Suewriter, but... _this_ is the real world."

"No, it's not!" she said with a happy grin. "You're all completely fictional! But don't worry, you're all loved and adored by readers around the world... like me! Well, most of you anyway..." she leered at Snape and Pettigrew.

"Great! So in addition to being dead, I'm also fictitious!" Sirius exclaimed. "That's it; I'm going straight to the dementors!" Sirius began to walk towards the exit of the room that would lead to the exit of the Shrieking Shack.

"In that case, can I have my wand back?" Snape asked hopefully.

"Sure, whatever," Sirius sighed and threw Snape's wand back to him. Snape caught it.

"What, no coy taunts? Insults? Jokes? Nasty nicknames? You're giving it to me just like that?" Snape looked somewhat disappointed as if this is what he had been looking forward to.

"What's the point? I'm fictional and I'm dead," Sirius muttered.

"Wait!" Mary Suewriter cried out, "You can't leave! Harry, my love, do something!"

"Excuse me, but I'm not your lover. I happen to be, er, well, I will be happily married to Ron's sister and we will be having three wonderful and beautiful children!"

"Harry!" Lupin groaned, gesturing to Sirius, who was three-quarters of the way to the exit of the room, slowly dragging his feet.

"Sirius, if you go now, I'll never get to spend time with you!"

"Well, you can read about it," Sirius gestured to the books. "Although you'll only really have two book's worth of material to work with..."

"Sirius, please!"

"Goodbye, Harry."

"Why are you saying goodbye? You're only seven-eights of the way to the door!"

"Well, I'm saving energy. Time doesn't matter since I'm fictitious. The author will just skip all this time I'm using to get to the door or even to the dementors and just get right to the juicy stuff."

"Wait, Sirius! You can't go to the dementors!" Mary Suewriter called out. "You have so much to live for!"

"Like what? From what your books make it sound like, I'm going to be on the run for one year and then spend the rest of my life locked up in a dingy and creepy old house with its creepy old house-elf and then... I'm going to die!"

"But I can prove that you're innocent! The real criminal is..." she looked at Ron's hand and noticed the absence of the rat so then she looked around the room. "... okay, so he's standing right next to you..."

"Yeah, we figured that out," Lupin said, dryly, "You were out for quite some time... time enough to browse through your delightful books. In case you didn't notice, Sirius knows that he's going to die."

"Er... well... how much do you guys know?"

"Everything," Lupin said. "In case you didn't notice, we made it to the epilogue... that's why Harry knows that he lives and gets married and has three darling children."

"Oh... right..." For some reason, Mary Suewriter's fists clenched at the mention of Harry getting married.

"Not too bright, is she?" Ron muttered to Fred and George.

"Bit of a basketcase, I'd say..." George affirmed.

"She's not playing with all the Quidditch balls..." Fred added, cheerily.

"... the lights are on but nobody's home..."

"... she's one card short of a Chocolate Frog card collection..."

"... she's..."

"Yeah, we get it," Percy said.

"Tell, Sirius that, will you?" Ron said to Fred and George. "He's taking it really seriously... and he's thirty-one thirty seconds of the way out that door."

"Okay, we'll go and talk to him, Ron," Fred said, patting Ron on the back, "If it'll make our fictitious lil' ickle Ronniekins feel any better…"

"Yeah..." George said with a grin.

"No, wait! You two would only make him worse. I'll talk to him." Ron walked up to Sirius who was now sixty-three sixty-fourths of the way to the exit. He started having a conversation with Sirius.

Mary Suewriter, now seeing that Harry's dumb sidekick had gone to handle the issue, turned her attention back to Harry, tightly grabbing his right arm. Surprisingly, she didn't notice that Harry flinched. "So, anyway, what was I saying, Harry, my love? Oh, that's right… so, I know everything that's going to happen to you and I know how to get around it."

"I'm not your--"

"So, first of all, you can't fall in love with Ginny Weasly."

"Why not? She's Ron's sister and to be honest, she's kinda ho--"

"Finish that sentence and I'll kill you," Ron called over from his conversation with Sirius, his face turning a color to match his hair.

"How do you know what I'm going to say?"

"Well, I didn't see that going in a good direction." Ron then continued to talk to Sirius.

"Harry, if you love me, you'll be happier!" Mary Suewriter interrupted.

"Why do you love me so much if I'm fictitious?"

"'Cuz you're hot!" she giggled.

"How do you know I'm hot if you've never--"

"So, anyway, after that, you need to turn Pettigrew in to prove that Sirius is innocent."

"But he's on our side, now!"

"Yeah!" Peter affirmed.

"But, Harry! He's the reason your parents are dead! Don't you want some revenge?"

"Well, I figure he's more useful alive than dead."

"But he's responsible for the resurrection of Voldemort--" everyone jumped with surprise that she used his name, "—and for the death of Cedric Diggory."

"But I'm not going back! I said that already! I mean it, I really do!" Pettigrew protested.

"Besides, wouldn't you rather have Sirius free and able to live with you?"

"Well, that doesn't really matter, anyway, considering the fact that he's planning to turn himself into the dementors."

"But--"

"Look, as much as I appreciate your… advice… I really think I can handle it myself. I mean, after all, I did it in those books, so I think I can handle it all now that I know what's going to happen. It sounds like all I have to do is get to all of Voldemort's Horcruxes and destroy them with Gryffindor's sword. Then, I just have to get Voldemort to kill me so I can kill him and then everything will be just peachy."

"Yes, but--"

"Die, you evil Death Eater in disguise!" Sirius shrieked with a manic look in his eye similar to the one that his cousin, Bellatrix, got if somebody said something at all negative about the Dark Lord, took Ron's wand from where it had been sitting in his pocket, and blasted at Mary Suewriter with the wand. She shrieked and ducked. Sirius laughed maniacally and continued to blast at her, blasting several holes in the Shrieking Shack in the process, although he missed his intended target.

"Sirius, stop!" Lupin yelled. "You're going to get someone killed! Sirius!" But Sirius continued to blast away. "Oh, fine, but you asked for this!" Lupin pulled out his wand. "_Expelliarmus_!"

Ron's wand flew out of Sirius' hand and Ron caught it before it could do any more harm.

"Moony, you're in league with her! You're a traitor! You're trying to deceive us all! Make us go mad and despair so that Voldemort can come back without resistance!" Sirius laughed, madly.

"Sirius, calm down. I am not in league with--"

"Ron, what did you tell him?" Harry asked.

"I tried everything, but he wouldn't believe me! So, I told him that she was a Death Eater in disguise trying to make us all despair and it worked."

"Yes, but now he's completely mental!" Harry gestured to the maniacally laughing Sirius.

"Better mental than suicidal."

"Better normal than either of those."

"Well, at least he's not trying to get kissed by dememtors any more! I do that and all you do for thanks is criticize my methods! That's just ungrateful."

"Ungrateful because now my godfather's a raving loony?"

"Well, er…"

"Look, Sirius, just calm down," Lupin was saying to a maniacally laughing Sirius. "Just calm down, okay? Everything's fine."

"Fine?! FINE?! First I find out that I'm fictional and I'm going to die and then I find out that you're in league with that Death Eater! How am I supposed to be fine?"

"Sirius, Ron was lying to get you to stop trying to seek out the dementors and have your soul sucked away!"

"So, then what she's saying is true? I'm really fictional?"

"No, Sirius, she's just a basketcase. You're just as real as she is."

"You know, I'm right here! I can hear you! And I'm _not_ a basketcase!"

"Sure you aren't… The point is that-- ARGH!" Remus grimaced and fell to the ground, writhing in agony.

"What did you do to him?!" Harry roared at Mary Suewriter, pointing his wand at her. "Stop it immediately!"

"It's not me!" she squeaked. "I think it's— RUN!" She pointed, wide-eyed at the spot where Lupin had been on the ground. "He's transformed and he forgot to take his Wolfsbane Potion!" She began to run for the door. Then, noticing that nobody was following suit, she stopped. "What's going on? Why are you all just standing there and why isn't he attacking us?" She gestured to the wolf staring benignly up at everyone, not growling or snarling at anyone.

"He took his potion," Snape said, "Since your books reminded him of something that he should have remembered in the first place," Lupin the wolf snorted indignantly, "Miss Granger here went and retrieved the potion from his office as well as a few undesired guests." He looked at Fred, George, Percy, and Neville.

"Oh…" Mary Suewriter said, blushing and feeling rather foolish. She then turned to the out-of-place characters. "What are you all doing here? You're not supposed to--"

"Well, neither are you!" Fred pointed out.

"Yes, but I'm--"

"—a git who's done more harm than good," George finished.

"No! I'm--"

"—a complete basketcase," Fred finished, grinning. "Hey, this is fun!"

"Stop it!" she whined. "I'm only trying to--"

"—make all of us go completely mental?"

"Nice one, George! I was going to say that she was only trying to kidnap Harry and hold him hostage for the rest of eternity, but yours is better--"

"—and more accurate," Hermione pointed out, grimly, pointing to a still maniacal Sirius, despite what Lupin had said to him, who was now hitting his head on the wall, laughing like a maniac.

"Oh, just get a grip, Black! Everyone else found out that they're fictitious and they're not falling apart at the seams!" Snape snapped.

Sirius stopped banging his head against the wall and looked at Snape. "But I die!"

"And so do Dumbledore, Lupin, Pettigrew, and I! And are we seeking the dementors out? No! You know why?"

"Because you all don't fall behind a curtain! Your death scenes are cool, except for Moony's because he doesn't have one." Lupin let out a plaintive whine.

"But we still die," Snape pointed out. "And, as disconcerting as the thought is, we have enough sense to keep it together because we know that we died to stop the Dark Lord. And you did, too. Even though you died so early, your death helped motivate Potter… so you're just as important as us… even if you died first."

Sirius blinked. "D'you… d'you really mean that… Severus?"

Snape looked surprised that Sirius was actually calling him by his proper name. "Yes, I, er, do really mean it, er, Black. Now, have some dignity and pull yourself together… for Potter's sake."

Sirius nodded and got up, much calmer now.

"Aw… how sentimental, Professor! I didn't know you cared!" Harry said.

Snape blinked. "I don't, Potter!" he snapped, "I just didn't want Black making all that noise! It was giving me a headache!"

"Somebody's in denial!" Harry said in a sing-song voice.

"Somebody's asking for detention!" Snape sneered in as close to a sing-song voice he permitted himself to go to. Harry stopped talking but settled for a satisfied smirk on his face.

"Don't talk to my love like that! He's sooooooooo much cooler than you!"

Snape smirked. "Ouch," he said, sarcastically, "I'm so wounded at your hurtful comments. I think I might just back off of Potter."

"Really?"

"No. Personally, I get that all the time from my students and I care more about what they think than what you think… and I don't care much about what they think."

"I… I think I fancy a walk," Sirius said before Mary could retort, "I need to mull over a few things."

"Hold on, Sirius! We're not letting you go alone!" Harry exclaimed.

"A fair point, Harry," Dumbledore said. He turned to Percy. "Mr. Weasley--"

"Oh no. No, no, no! You're not pinning this on me!"

"--could you please escort Mr.Black on his walk? You're most qualified for the job, after all, as Head Boy."

"More like 'Bighead Boy', if you ask me," Fred whispered to George.

Percy smiled and puffed out his chest a little. "Well, I am the most qualified, true… Very well, come with me if you will, Mr. Black."

"Hold on a sec," Sirius said. "I don't think it would be a good idea to have Sirius Black, notorious convicted mass-murderer, running around the grounds."

"So you _don't_ want to go for a walk, then."

"No, no. I'm going for a walk, just not as Sirius the man." Sirius then transformed into a shaggy black dog.

"Okay, then, Mr. Black, let's get going," Percy said and with that, he strutted out of the room, followed by Sirius.

"Only Percy would call a dog 'Mr. Black'," Fred smirked.

"Git," George added.

"Didn't you want to go with them, Professor Lupin?" Hermione asked Lupin the wolf. Lupin shook his head. "Okay, then. Just making sure."

"I knew I shouldn't have eaten all those 'Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans' before bed. Can I wake up now?" Neville asked.

"Neville, this isn't a dream!" Ron exclaimed.

"That's just what you would say if I was dreaming!"

"But, Neville, you told us that you went to Professor Lupin's office. How could you have fallen asleep between then and here?" Hermione reasoned.

"Well, I was preoccupied about my Defense Against the Dark Arts final, so it could have been a part of my dream."

"Do you even remember falling asleep?" Hermione retorted.

"Er… well, I remember having trouble falling asleep because I was worrying about my grade… but, er… Well, this can't be real! All this talk of Horcruxes, Professor Lupin being a werewolf, Sirius Black being innocent and an Animagus, Peter Pettigrew being alive, Professor Snape being kind, You-Know-Who being alive, and all of us being fictitious characters in a series of books… all that's missing are the dancing tacos!"

"But, Neville! This isn't a dream! All of this is real!"

"But that's what--" Neville was interrupted when Hermione walked up to him and slapped him. "OW! Wha'd you do that for?"

"If you were dreaming, that wouldn't have hurt."

"This could be one of those dreams where I'm feeling things from what somebody's doing to me while I'm asleep."

"Neville, you know that's not true! You're just in denial!"

"That's not true!"

"Perhaps Mr. Longbottom would prefer it if he could go back to the school and to his dorm?" Dumbledore suggested. "I daresay that all of tonight's events so far are quite overwhelming to wrap one's head around. It almost makes one wish one had one's Pensieve."

"Er… okay…" Neville said. "I think I'll just leave then. Goodbye, everyone! See you all when I wake up!" With that, Neville exited the Shrieking Shack.

"Neville, you're not dreaming!" everyone called after him.

"Harry," Mary Suewriter said, attaching herself to him once more, "will you marry me?"

"You do realize that we're only thirteen, right? And besides, I already told you, I'm going to marry Ginny!"

"But--"

"Why are you so adamant about this? You're insisting that I should love you and marry you instead of Ginny, but I don't even know you!"

"Well, I like your books."

"Yes, I figured as much."

"Oh… and I like nuts! All kinds of nuts; walnuts, pistachios, peanuts, chocolate-covered nuts--"

"_You're_ nuts," Fred whispered in an aside to George.

"—so, now that you know a little about me, will you marry--"

"No! Never! I'm not going to marry you; I'm going to marry Ginny!"

"But… but…" Mary Suewriter sputtered. "You… can't!" she whined. "Y-you just c-can't!" she started to sob. "Y-y-you're supposed t-to like m-me!"

"And what gave you that idea?"

"Uh… I love you?"

"Look, I'm, er, sorry, but I don't love you, okay? So, please, just get over it."

"Harsh, mate," Ron said as Mary Suewriter began to wail.

"Well, what would you have done in my situation?"

"Probably the same thing."

"Exactly."

"Speaking of which…" Ron turned to Hermione. "I've been thinking about… us."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "There is no 'us'. At least not yet, anyway. To be honest, Ron, I don't really _have_ any feelings for you."

"What a relief! Me neither!"

"Wait, what do you mean, 'What a relief!'? Am I not good enough to be your wife?"

"No, no! It's not that it's just that--"

"—I'm not pretty enough, is that it? You shallow-minded pig!"

"'Shallow-minded pig', huh? Is that all you think I am?"

"Judging by your taste in girls before me like Fleur and 'Lav-Lav', right 'Won-Won'?!"

"I – what? Wait a minute! Look who's talking! What, am I not famous enough? I'm nothing compared to 'Vicky'?"

"It's _Viktor_. And I bet he's more sensitive than _you_!"

"Guys, guys! Break it up!" Harry yelled.

"Great idea, Harry!" Ron said. "We will 'break it up'! Hermione, I'm _never_ speaking to you again! _Never_! I'm not going to marry you, either!"

"Well, fine! Same goes for me!"

"Guys, that's not what I--" Harry began.

"Well, I guess you can just go off and tie the knot with _Vicky_!"

"Have a nice life with _Lav-Lav_!"

Ron and Hermione turned their backs on each other and moved to opposite corners of the room. Mary Suewriter stared at them in horror through her tear-filled eyes. Other than her and Harry, her favorite pairing had been Ron and Hermione. And it was all her fault. If she hadn't been dropped in here with the books, none of this would be happening…

"I can _really_ see why they were meant to be," Snape said sarcastically.

"Now, now, Severus," Dumbledore said, "As I recall, you and Lily had your rough spots, too. And you thought you were--"

"That was completely different."

"Please don't talk about that! It's just—Professor, what are you doing?" Harry asked as Lupin began to nudge Harry and nod his head in the direction of the door.

"What is it, boy? Is Timmy stuck in a well? Or do you have to go out?" Snape asked, sarcastically.

'_Lassie's a dog, not a werewolf, you dolt. If you're going to make Muggle entertainment references, get it right,'_ Lupin thought as he growled at Snape. _'Why can't you idiots see that Sirius and Percy--'_

"Hello, all!" Percy sang as he walked through the door after a hovering and stunned black dog.

"That was a short walk, eh, Percy?" Fred said. "What, was he too fast for you?"

"No, Fred," Percy said, throwing him an irritated glance, "The minute we got outside, he made a break for it and started running towards where the dementors are. Luckily, I have good aim with a wand."

"I didn't even know Percy had the nerve to jinx anyone, let alone an adult!" George snickered.

Percy glared and dropped Sirius to the ground. "I just have more self-control than you two," he retorted to George. He then looked around the room at the sobbing Mary Suewriter and the huffy Ron and Hermione who still had their backs to each other at opposite corners of the room. "What happened here?"

"Potter here rejected his 'soul-mate' and Heaven's Couple just broke up," Snape said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Ron," Percy said.

"Well, I'm not! I'm happy! Happy, happy, happy! You hear that, Hermione! I'm _happy_!"

"I thought you said you were never going to speak to me ever again!"

"Well, you did too!"

"Hmph!" they said at the same time and stopped speaking.

After a bit of awkward silence where everyone was staring at Ron and Hermione, Peter said, "So now what?"

"What do you mean by that?" Harry asked.

"Well, what are we going to do to defeat the Dark Lord? Surely we're going to do something based on what we've learned from these books?"

Everyone stared at Pettigrew. After all, this was the first smart thing he'd said all night, and possibly for his whole life.

"I think I may have a plan," Dumbledore said. "But I haven't completed it, yet. It takes longer for me to plot and scheme than it used to… confound this old mind!"

_Clunk, clunk, clunk._

"What was that?" Percy asked.

"You hear it too?" Harry said. "I thought this was another 'basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets' moment where only I could hear things."

_Clunk, clunk, clunk._

"Whatever it is, it's getting closer!" Mary Suewriter squeaked.

* * *

This is the end of the eighth chapter. Thanks go to craziigirl, Flamespirit-eth, Ogreatrandom, Mina-chan AMD, DariaM, IloveMooney, Undeniable Mystique, sir alanna of pirate's swoop, and Kathryn Lee for reviewing for the previous chapter. Please leave lots of reviews! 


	9. The Backup Teacher

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

_Clunk, clunk, clunk._

"Wait a minute…" Dumbledore said.

_Clunk, clunk… CRASH! Thumpa, thumpa, thump!_

Everyone in the room who had a wand raised it, ready.

"_Way to go, Tonks! You ruined our element of surprise! Black's bound to notice our presence now!"_ a man's muffled voice growled.

"_Oh, like your clunking around in that wooden leg of yours didn't give you away before I tripped!"_ a woman's muffled voice retorted. _"Ow, my bum,"_ she groaned.

"_Quit dallying and get up here, Nymphadora!"_ the man barked.

Inside the room, Lupin perked up at the sound of his wife-to-be's name.

"_Don't call me that!"_ the woman snapped.

_Clunk, clunk, clunk._

"Get ready," Harry said, aiming his wand at the door entrance.

BANG! The door burst off its hinges and shattered on the opposite wall, creating a cloud of dust in which two figures stepped into the room.

"_STUPEFY_!" the two voices yelled at the same time, sending jets of red light into the room.

"_Protego_!" Dumbledore and Snape shouted, reflecting the jets of red light.

"_Stupe--_" the woman started to say.

"No, Tonks!" the man growled. "I recognize one of those voices! Is that you, Albus?"

"Ah, Alastor! So nice to see you!" Dumbledore said and walked over to the man.

"Where's Black?" Mad-Eye Moody asked.

Snape pointed to the black dog still stunned on the floor.

"No, seriously," said Tonks.

"Black is an Animagus. It's sad that our so-called top-notch Aurors couldn't figure that out," Snape sneered.

"Yeah, like you figured it out before you were told!" Harry snapped.

"Watch your tongue, Potter!"

Lupin had now walked over to Tonks and sat down in front of her, looking up, tail wagging.

"Er… hello," Tonks said with a smile to Lupin. "You're a little friendly for a wolf, aren't you?"

"Yeah, he's your future husband," a rather congested Mary Suewriter said.

"Excuse me?" Tonks said, looking at Mary Suewriter.

"That's R--"

"Haven't you done enough damage here?" Harry snapped at her. "Don't ruin their relationship, too!"

Mary Suewriter sobbed and hid her face in her hands.

Moody looked around the room, his electric-blue eye zooming around in its socket. Suddenly, both of his eyes stopped on Pettigrew. "What the--" he began.

"Alastor, I assume you know Peter Pettigrew," Dumbledore said with a smile and a twinkle in his eyes.

"Uh…"

"Perhaps Mr. Black should explain… if he's still sane enough to…" Percy said, walking over to the Stunned Sirius.

"What's Mad-Eye doing here?" Ron asked Dumbledore.

"Ah, that's right! He was coming here to interview for the job of back-up Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher."

"Wha--"

"Harry, it's a creation of my own genius. Since the job appears to be cursed, I decided to create a back-up position… just in case."

Lupin gave Dumbledore a hurt look and Moody said, "Hey, you didn't tell me anything about the job being cursed!"

"I didn't? It must have skipped my mind. So, Alastor, how did you and your young friend manage to find us?"

Moody smiled his lopsided smile. "Well, I came to the school for the interview with you, as you already know, Albus, but you weren't there."

"I just tagged along so I could see Hogwarts, again," Tonks interrupted. "And I wanted to see how Moody'd do in an interview." Tonks snickered.

Moody gave Tonks a quelling look and then resumed his tale. "I decided that you must have been detained somewhere, perhaps against your will, so I decided to poke around the school a bit… and when I got to the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher's office to search it, I found this old crumpled-up piece of parchment," Moody held the Marauder's Map in his gnarled hand, "It has all these labeled dots with people's names on it. Very interesting thing… Well, since it looked like a map of the Hogwarts grounds, I decided to look for you to see where you were on the map, Albus. But, I got sidetracked…"

Tonks snickered. "As soon as he saw Sirius' name on that map, he got all worked up. I think he might have forgot all about that job interview. The next thing I know, he's tearing down the hall, saying, 'It's him! He's here! I'll get him, I know it!' and I have to sprint to catch up to him…"

"Well, anyway, I saw someone dragging a large black dog into that tree over the passage that lead us here, so I waited for a little bit of time and then followed him… and then Tonks gave us away when she tripped on the stairs and fell down…"

"I think they heard us _before_ that," Tonks mumbled, rubbing her sore backside at the memory of falling down the stairs on it.

"And then, well, you know the rest…"

"Do you want me to revive him now, sir?" Percy asked Dumbledore, pointing to Sirius.

"Of course… I think Sirius has a right to tell his tale…" Dumbledore said with a smile.

"Okay, then. _Rennervate_." Percy said as he pointed his wand at Sirius. Sirius sprang up and looked around the cabin. He stared, wide-eyed at Moody and Tonks. Immediately, he transformed into a man and ran up to Moody.

"Don't listen to anything they might try to tell you! I'm guilty; entirely guilty! _I_ killed all of those Muggles and Pettigrew! That man over there's a fake! Just turn me over to the dementors now!"

"That's not true!" Pettigrew said. "I'm the real Peter Pettigrew. I faked my own death and framed Sirius. But I'm on your side now! I swear! Sirius just has a death-wish!"

"Hullo, second-cousin!" Tonks said to Sirius. Sirius looked up and grinned.

"Hiya Nymphie!"

"It's Tonks! _Tonks_! Is that so hard to remember?!"

"You know, you're gonna die! And you're gonna marry Moony! And Moony's gonna die! And so's Moody! Hey, you can all join the club!" Sirius giggled in a hysterical sort of way.

"Didn't you fix him?" Harry asked Snape.

"Fixed? No, I haven't been fixed. I still have--"

"Not like that, Sirius! I meant mentally."

"I tricked you! You're such a gullible character!"

"What's all this about?" Moody barked. "I think somebody owes _us_ an explanation!"

Mary Suewriter enthusiastically stepped in and, before anyone could stop her, told them the whole tale. Without omitting any details.

"You mean he," Tonks gestured to Lupin, "is really a werewolf who is my future husband and father of my child?"

"Exactly!" Mary Suewriter said.

"And I'm going to be killed along with him in a final battle against someone who's supposed to be dead?"

Mary grinned and nodded. "But you still make a cute couple, lying under the enchanted ceiling, looking as if you're merely sleeping…"

Tonks shook her head. She was pale and trembling and her hair had turned a shocking blond-white symbolizing extreme shock. "I'm sorry, but I don't believe this at all…" she shook her head, backing up towards the exit of the room.

Moody silently looked at Mary with both eyes, not saying a word. Mary shuddered; she had always found Moody to be a creepy character and had personally been glad when he had been killed.

"Is this the truth, Albus?" he asked, calmly.

"It appears so," Dumbledore replied with a nonchalant shrug.

"It can't be!" Tonks suddenly yelled, her hair taking on a furious red. "It just _can't_ be!" She shook her head, tears springing up in her eyes.

"Oh boy, who wants to bet that one's going to turn into another nutter?" Snape said. "I'm betting a galleon that she loses it."

Lupin raised a paw, indicating he would be willing to bet against Snape.

"Do you even have a Galleon to bet with, Lupin?" Snape jeered. Lupin growled at him, feeling the urge to maul Snape. Surprisingly, this had nothing to do with the wolf inside him. "Very well, you're on. But if you don't have a Galleon, I'm taking your… wait a minute, you don't have anything of value for me to take." Lupin snarled again, showing his teeth. "Hmm… do you have any pictures of Lily?"

"Please don't talk about that, again!" Harry moaned.

"You have to believe me, Tonks!" Mary Suewriter said. She was hoping that she could get her third favorite pairing together just a little earlier to amend her mistakes with her other pairings.

"No! It's not true! It's not true!" Tonks cried out, shaking her head, tears now rapidly falling down her face. "I _can't_ just die like that!"

"It's okay, Nymphie!" Sirius said, patting her on the back rather hard so that she nearly fell flat on her face. "Not only are you dead, but you're also fictitious! Like me and Moony!" Sirius grinned and sang, "Me 'an Moony! Moony 'an meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Fictitious and deeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadddddd! Dead as a dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorknob!" Now Sirius incorporated a dance to his song involving jumping up and down on the old and long-abused floorboards. Now, this and the combination of Tonks' streak of bad luck did not bode well.

"Is he quite alright?" Tonks asked, pausing in her hysterics.

"He was the second to go crazy," Harry said solemnly.

"Second? Who was first?" Tonks asked.

"Her," Harry said, gesturing to a still grinning Mary Suewriter.

"What?" Mary Suewriter asked. "Oh! Hey, Harry! I just thought of something! If I killed Ginny, would you marry me then?"

"No! I would never marry the murderer of my wife-to-be!"

"Okay, then. Let's say that an _accident_ happened to her that killed her involving some slippers, Taco Bell takeout, and a deranged squirrel, that I have a complete alibi for. Would you marry me then?"

"Er…" Harry said in response to Mary Suewriter. He then turned to Tonks, who was now watching Sirius jumping in circles around her, and said, "I rest my case."

"Yeah, she's definitely crazy…" Tonks replied with a nod. She seemed a lot calmer now and was coping with these strange events that had happened so far this night.

"Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Sirius sang as he began to jump harder in his circle around Tonks. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"But, if she's crazy, is what she's saying true?" Tonks asked Harry.

"True blue!" Sirius sang.

"Unfortunately, yes," Harry replied, "It's true." Lupin gave Harry a look. "Er… what I meant to say is that it is unfortunate that you die, not that you get married to a werewolf and have a son." Lupin looked satisfied.

Tonks mulled this over for a while. Slowly, her hair resumed its normal bubble-gum pink color and she gave a slight smile and said, "Well, I suppose if I love him enough to marry him in those books then he must be a good man." Lupin looked at her with gratitude, his tail thumping on the floor. "But, we're still going to have to date first before I marry you… just to make sure…"

If wolves could smile, Lupin would be grinning like a giddy idiot.

"Moony an' Dora sittin' in a tree!" Sirius sang and jumped more rapidly in his circle. "K-i-s-s-i-- AAAAAARGH!" As Sirius had been singing, the floor finally cracked and broke, sending both him and Tonks falling through the floor in a haze of dust and splinters.

* * *

This is the end of Chapter 9. I hope you all enjoyed it. I would like to thank Mina-chan AMD, Ogreatrandom, The Amazing Chez, craziigirl, Flamespirit-eth, DariaM, and Jellicle-in-the-box for reviewing for the previous chapter! Please leave lots of reviews! 


	10. Oh, Fudge!

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

Lupin let out a howl of dismay and Moody yelled, "Tonks!" and limped over by the hole and looked down. Everyone was content to watch him; they didn't want to risk putting all of their weight on the unsteady floorboards. 

From below, they heard a giddy giggle and then, "Gee, Nymphie, thanks for breaking my fall!" So Sirius was alive at least. Nobody was quite sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing anymore considering his seemingly irreversible mental state. "Hey, Nymphie! Nymphie? Get up!"

Everyone paled. Moody saw Sirius poking Tonks' motionless form. "Oh no," he groaned and began to limp for the stairs to assist his young companion. Harry took Moody's vacated viewpoint, careful of the weak floor.

Lupin, meanwhile, escalated his howling lament. Snape twisted his face into a grimace and tried to plug his ears from the sound; he would definitely need something for his pounding migraine, now. He began to ponder the most effective (meaning the most potent) ingredient he could add to a potion to alleviate it. Perhaps the Drought of Living Death would work…

Meanwhile, Moody had finally reached Tonks and Sirius and had examined Tonks. "I think she's just unconscious… but I'm not sure!" he called up. "I'm going to bring them both back up."

"Okay then, erm…" Harry turned to Ron. "Who is this guy, again? Am I supposed to know him?"

Ron sighed and shook his head. "That's Mad-Eye Moody, Harry. Don't you remember? He's supposed to be our fourth-year Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, except he's replaced by an imposter Death-Eater who tries to get you killed…"

"Ah, how could I forget?"

Ron shrugged. "I guess it's your lack of brain-cells, mate."

"Ah, of course! How could I have been so forgetful?"

"But Harry, darling, you're not forgetful!" Mary Suewriter piped up.

"Somebody should put a gag on that girl," Fred commented, "It seems that every time she opens her mouth, something bad happens…"

No sooner than the words were out of Fred's mouth, everyone heard Moody utter a loud swear-word and then a loud crash. This time, Dumbledore rushed to see what happened.

"Alastor, what happened?" he called down the stairs.

Moody groaned and in a strained voice said, "I think I just broke my hip."

"I rest my case," Fred said. Mary Suewriter gave Fred a hurt look, starting to reform her opinions on Fred. Maybe his death had been a good thing after all…

"I'll conjure you a stretcher, Alastor," Dumbledore said and waved his wand. Soon Moody, an unconscious Tonks, and Sirius were levitated into the room, the latter of whom was sucking his thumb and rocking back and forward in a fetal position.

"Tonks!" Mary Suewriter cried out upon seeing the unconscious woman. She looked quite lifeless, almost the way Mary had pictured her in the brief moment when her death was described. "No!"

"Why do you care about her?" Harry asked. "You don't _really_ know her!"

"I know, dearest, but I really loved the Lupin/Tonks pairing! Now all of my favorite pairings are completely and utterly ruined!" Mary Suewriter sobbed.

"Enough with the 'dearest''s. Seriously," Harry said.

Mary Suewriter cried harder.

"I'm sure that all of this could be mended by Poppy," Dumbledore said with a smile, gesturing to all of the night's casualties, "Well, except for Mr. Black, of course."

Sirius let out a small giggle and rocked himself harder.

"Don't worry, I'll use my parents' fortune to pay for his therapy," Harry said.

"I think he might be beyond saving, Harry," Hermione pointed out as Sirius grinned, took his thumb out of his mouth, and offered it to Lupin saying, "Does the bunny want a turn? It tastes good! Bunny will like! Pickles with apple-sauce and mustard!"

Lupin paused in his lament long enough to give Sirius a pitying look. He then promptly resumed his howling.

"Lupin, if you don't stop that soon… I… I'm going to do something very Death-Eaterish!" Snape exclaimed, seething.

Lupin stopped howling and contented himself with softly whimpering over Tonks' motionless body.

"Perhaps we should leave the Shrieking Shack now," Hermione commented. "We would be able to sort this out in the Hospital Wing before anyone else gets hurt… or dies…"

"Dies? Who dies? Is it me?" Sirius asked, looking at Hermione, his eyes having a feral glint in them. "I know I do! Don't lie to me!"

"No, Sirius, it's not you," Hermione said, edging away from him.

"Flibbertigibbet!" Sirius shrieked, pointing his thumb at her. When nothing happened, he stuck his thumb back in his mouth.

"I suppose Ms. Granger has a fair point," Dumbledore said. "We might as well heal the injured. And we can talk more in the Hospital Wing."

"Well, it's about time!" Ron exclaimed. "I've been sitting here on the ground for this whole time bleeding all over the place and nobody even notices!"

"I agree, but I think Lupin should stay here. It would look odd parading around the school grounds with a werewolf, let alone have one in the Hospital Wing," Snape pointed out.

Lupin bobbed his head in a dejected way.

Hermione paused to pick up the books and then said, "Let's go. Someone can tie that girl up so she doesn't hurt any more people."

But before they could do anything, a voice from the entrance of the door exclaimed, "Not so fast!"

Everyone turned around only to see… Fudge, the Minister of Magic! He looked disheveled with his green bowler hat skewed to the side, his hair sticking up everywhere, and with his torn and travel-worn clothes. His face was even redder than Ron's had ever been and a tic was jumping in one of his cheeks and his wand was out and pointed at all of them.

"Fudge!" everyone exclaimed.

"I heard everything!" he giggled in a high-pitched voice, "I heard it all!"

"Heard what, Cornelius?" Dumbledore asked.

"Don't call me that!" Fudge shrieked, spittle flying from his mouth. "I heard about those books! I heard what happens! I heard it all when it was explained to you, Dumbledore! I heard about my downfall and how that Potter punk goes on his quest to save the day! Terrible mess, terrible mess!"

"You know, you had the opportunity to be the hero, but you chose not to believe me!" Harry pointed out.

"Yeah, so go away, meanie! Nobody likes you!" Mary Suewriter added.

"Oho… but the author underestimated the means to which this character would go to keep his power!" Fudge giggled. With his other hand, he took out several familiar objects and dropped each of them on the floor in plain sight.

"Bloody hell!" Ron exclaimed.

For on the floor were the ring, the locket, the cup, the diadem, and a bloody snake's head. All of them looked as if they had been hit with a sword. Fudge grinned as he twirled Gryffindor's sword in his hand. "I've destroyed almost all of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's Horcruxes. And when I do destroy them all, I can kill him and take his title of Dark Lord, learn form his mistakes, and rule the world with an iron fist!" Fudge cackled. "And all I have left to do is kill you…" he pointed his wand at Harry. "Say your prayers, Potter! _Avada Kedavra_!"

Nobody could do anything. All they could do was watch in horror as the green curse slowly inched toward Harry Potter. Mary Suewriter looked upon this in horror. She wanted to scream; she wanted to _do_ something to save her beloved. This was all so wrong! Nothing was turning out the way it was supposed to. All of her favorite pairings had been destroyed and now her beloved Harry, the hero of heroes, was about to die. And this time, he wouldn't come back.

The curse was now inches away from Harry's chest. He turned his head and his eyes met hers. She looked deep into them. And she swore she head the whisper of Harry's last thoughts. _'I… hate…YOU!'_

Time suddenly sped up as the curse hit Harry directly in the chest. His body then slumped lifelessly down onto the ground.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Mary shrieked, "Harry, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry for everything! I'm sorry I even came here! O, how I wish I could amend this!"

As soon as she had said these words, the scene froze. The room glowed a green light and started to spin. Faster and faster it went until there was blackness.

* * *

This is the end of the tenth chapter, but it's not the end of the story. There's at least one more chapter left. Two at tops. I haven't really sorted everything out, yet. I would like to thank Mina-chan AMD, Flamespirit-eth, and Ogreatrandom for reviewing for the previous chapter. Please leave lots of reviews! 


	11. I'm Not Dead Yet!

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

With a loud bang, Mary Suewriter was thrown from her computer screen and into her chair. She looked around, dazed, not quite sure if what she had just experienced was real. She blinked and then looked at her computer screen. Her story about Mary Weasley was still up there. But, something was different about it… 

There was writing right over it in a strange red font. It said, _'You have learned your lesson well. To right the wrongs that have just happened, you must see reality. Do what you think is right.'_ She blinked at the cryptic message.

Mary Suewriter thought. And thought. She turned to the screen again and looked over her story. She sighed. Reading over it, she realized that it did seem silly and far-fetched. Mary Weasley _was_ too perfect. She was a completely impossible character. The love between her and Harry felt so random and rushed. The revelation hurt her, but it made her see.

It was never meant to be. She highlighted the story. And deleted it. Forever.

_And so ends the tale of Mary Suewriter and her Mary-Sue, Mary Weasley… just one more Mary-Sue gone from the universe. But that does not mean that the tale is over…_

* * *

_Hogwarts, 1993_

"HARRY!" everyone cried out, not even noticing Mary Suewriter being sucked away by a green vortex.

Fudge laughed, evilly. "And now all I have to do is kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and then I can become Dark Lord, no wait, even better! I'll be the Supreme-Super-Evil-Minister-of-the-Entire-World!" He turned as if to Disapparate and then swore. "Stupid no-Apparation spells ruining my dramatic exit…" he muttered, twitching.

"_Stupefy_!" someone finally decided to yell before the future Supreme-Super-Evil-Minister-of-the-Entire-World could do anything else. The spell hit Fudge and he crumpled to the ground. Everyone looked around to see who cast the spell, which turned out to be the person they had least expected to do something of the like given the current situation…

…Harry Potter! While Fudge was saying his incredibly long title, Harry had gotten up from where he was supposedly dead and Stunned Fudge with his wand.

"HARRY!" everyone cried out again.

"Why aren't you dead, mate?" Ron asked in shock.

Harry shrugged and then pinched his bleeding nose.

Dumbledore smiled, knowingly. "I know what happened here," he said with a smile. "Fudge is clearly not very good at casting spells, especially Unforgivables. He must have been so incompetent that he could not muster enough feeling or power to kill Harry."

"But in order for that to happen, he would have to have the ineptitude of, well, a fourth-year Hogwarts student!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Clearly you've never seen Fudge do magic," Moody growled with what looked like a smile appearing on his scarred face, "He couldn't even perform a simple Hovering Charm!" Moody chuckled. "We used to make fun of him all the time at the Auror Department, well, secretly of course, because if he knew that we were making fun of him, he would have fired us all…"

"But how could someone so incompetent with magic become Minister of Magic?" Hermione asked.

Moody shrugged. "Ask the voters; I know I didn't vote for him…"

"I voted for him… but that was only because I thought he would be a very good puppet. And I was right, by the way," Dumbledore said with a smile.

"You… won't… die!" Sirius suddenly shrieked, hitting Harry's foot with his fist. "Why… can't… you… just… die… like… every… other… character!"

"_Stupefy_," Snape said, pointing his wand at Sirius. When Sirius crumpled to the ground, unconscious, Snape gave an uncharacteristic smile. "You know, I always wanted to do that…"

"But now we must get back to the school…" Dumbledore said. "So that out weary may rest and so that we may turn in Fudge for attempted manslaughter."

"Do you always have to make whatever you say sound all-knowing?" Harry asked.

"No, that's just your interpretation of my words," Dumbledore replied with a smile that made his eyes twinkle in that odious way.

"Whatever, let's just get out of here," Hermione said grumpily.

"Yeah, I think I've had enough trouble for a lifetime," Harry said.

"What?" Ron asked.

"I don't know," Harry shrugged, "It just felt like the right thing to say."

"Hey, where's that weird girl?" Pettigrew chirped up.

Everyone looked around and tried to refrain from cheering because she was gone.

"Well, who cares as long as she's not bothering any of us… or trying to stab Ginny in Gryffindor Tower…" Harry pointed out.

"Good point, mate."

"Let's just get out of here!"

"Okay, Hermione. We're going," Harry said.

"And I'm still not speaking to you," Ron added.

"But you just did, Ronald!"

"No, I didn't! You just spoke to me!"

"Well, now you just spoke to me again!"

"Why you little--"

"Okay, you two, break it—er, Just stop, okay?"

"Very well, Harry, best of mates!"

"No, Harry, you're _my_ best friend!"

"Should I stun them, too, Headmaster?" Snape asked with an eager glint in his eyes.

"No, Severus, that would be a breach in the student-teacher trust. However, if I did it, it would be okay." Dumbledore pointed his wand at Ron and said, "_Stupefy_!" Ron fell to the ground. "_Stupefy_!" Hermione then fell. "Okay, then, _now_, we can go!"

And slowly, everyone filed out of the dusty old room of the Shrieking Shack, their lives permanently changed; their destinies permanently altered, for better or for worse.

* * *

Okay, so like I said before, _**this is not the last chapter!**_ The next chapter will be, though. I'd like to thank Mina-chan AMD, Ogreatrandom, Flamespirit-eth, and Undeniable Mystique for reviewing for the previous chapter. Please leave lots of reviews! 


	12. Epilogue

I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

_Nine years later…_

Sirius Black woke up to the sound of his alarm clock making its irritating buzzing sound. As he normally did for the first ten minutes of the morning, he stared at the completely white ceiling and then sat up and looked around the completely white room, devoid of any personality whatsoever.

Sirius swung himself out of bed and prepared to greet the day. When he finished brushing his teeth in the tiny bathroom next to his bedroom, he walked over to his desk and opened up a tiny black journal. He then picked up a pen and, after he dated the entry, he wrote:

_I am my own unique person and only I control my destiny.  
__ I will not obsess about death.  
__ My 'death scene' does not mark how strong, masculine, or important I am._

Once he wrote this down, Sirius closed the little black book and put it back on the desk. He then opened the door to his room and went outside for a walk.

The grounds were very beautiful. They were incredibly spacious and filled with gravel pathways in addition to the green wooden benches that were arbitrarily sprinkled in every direction. Sirius, however, was not interested in sitting.

He continued to walk toward one of the white marble buildings on the grounds, humming the tune to the Weird Sisters' latest smash-hit. Sirius privately found it astounding that the band was still popular for so long. But then again, so was that Muggle Band, the Rolling Stones…

As Sirius looked around, he spotted one of his fellow residents sitting solitarily on one of the benches. Her black hair curtained her face, but he still knew who she was.

"Hiya, Bella!" he said with a grin. Bellatrix Lestrange looked up and spotted him. Immediately, her face got a very feral look and she lunged at Sirius, screaming, "Kill, kill, kill!" Luckily, one of Bellatrix's attendants caught her and held her back from actually hitting Sirius.

"Now, what did we say about those kinds of things, Bella?" the attendant said. "Remember those anger management tricks?" Bellatrix shook her head violently. "I think you do!" the attendant said with a smile.

Sirius smiled. "You mean you don't remember, Bella? Let me refresh your memory." Sirius cleared his throat and then began to sing, "I looooooove you! You looooooove me! We're a happy-"

"Nooooo!" Bellatrix shrieked, putting her hands to her ears. "Noooo! The Dark Lord will punish you all for singing such blasphemous things!"

The attendant rolled his eyes. "Come on, Bella, I think it's time for us to go inside."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Sirius chuckled as he watched the attendant drag Bellatrix away by her heels, while Bellatrix clawed at the ground, desperately trying to stay outside. He then moved on and entered the white marble building.

After winding his way through several halls, he entered a room where a witch sat at a desk, writing something down on a piece of parchment. Sirius cleared his throat and she looked up.

"Oh, good morning, Mr. Black! You're here to see--"

"We had scheduled an appointment a little later, but I just wanted to be here early. Is he available right now?"

"I think so, hold on," she got up from her desk and opened a wooden door next to it and said, "Mr. Black is here to see you, sir."

"Lovely! I'm finishing a group session, but I think it wouldn't hurt for him to come in," a voice replied from inside.

The witch turned around and nodded. "You can head in now, Mr. Black."

Sirius smiled and walked into a small room with lots of books, a comfy-looking couch, and a wooden desk, behind which sat a man with black hair, glasses, green eyes, and a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead. Sound familiar? Around the desk, there were six chairs, which were occupied by Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Aberforth, Barty Crouch Sr., and Barty Crouch Jr.

"Sirius, you can take a seat over there. I'll talk to you when I'm done here," Harry said and gestured to a chair in the corner of the room. Sirius sat there and watched with mild interest. "So, Barty Jr., why do you feel this antagonism for your father?"

"Well, for one thing, I hate the name he gave me!"

"And what's wrong with it?" Barty Sr. demanded. "I think the name is perfectly fine!"

"Well, all of my friends laughed at me because I was named after my dorky father!"

"Excuse me? You think I'm dorky?"

"Well, yeah! I mean, you've never tortured any Mudbloods, or killed any blood traitors, or…"

"Of course not! I respect the law! Unforgivables are illegal!"

"And that's why you're dorky."

"Okay, I think we're onto something! I'm sure we can explore this more later… in the next session. Now, let's turn to Professor Dumbledore and his brother. So, why have you joined this group?" Harry prompted.

"Well, to be honest," Aberforth began, "I hate him."

Dumbledore opened his mouth, but Harry cut him off. "Aberforth, you can't just say that you hate someone! You have to give a reason!"

"Fine! I hate him because everyone thinks he's so great, but he's really not!"

"And why is that?"

"Because he associated with Grindewald, he got out sister killed, and he doesn't really like lemon drops…"

"Lies!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "I _do_ like lemon drops! You just hate me because I was more talented… and good-looking… and strong…"

"I broke your nose once! Don't make me do it again!" Aberforth waved his fist threateningly.

"Don't forget who turned you into a goat your third year!"

"Well, to be honest, I enjoyed that!"

"Okay, I sense a lot of animosity between you two. Can you dig deeper and find the source? Was it something at home? Sibling rivalry, perhaps?"

"There was none," Dumbledore said, "Mum clearly liked me best."

"That's not true! I was the one who helped her take care of Ar--"

"But I was a better student!"

"But I wasn't even trying! If I had tried, I definitely would've been a better student!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

Dumbledore reached for his wand and Aberforth put up his fists. They were about to fight when Harry yelled, "Okay, that's enough! You two need to stop fighting and work this out!"

"It's the way siblings are, Harry," Ron pointed out, "They can't stop fighting. It's in their DNA. Believe me; I've seen this sort of thing all the time."

"Ron, I don't think you should be interrupting Harry's sessions like that. He's a certified psychiatrist; I think he knows what he's doing!" Hermione snapped at him.

"And I don't think you're one to be bossing me around!"

"Ah, Heaven's Couple," Harry sighed, "You know, you two are the only ones I haven't been able to remedy from that disaster that we still never wish to speak about. And that's saying something considering…" Harry trailed off for a moment, looking at Sirius.

"Well, Harry, you have to admit that she _is_ a pushy know-it-all," Ron pointed out.

"But _he's_ a shallow git!"

"Is that what you think I am? Why you--"

Harry sighed. "I'm beginning to wonder if those books were really true. If it weren't for the fact that it accurately described the Horcruxes and the marriage of Tonks and Lupin…"

"Well, Harry, that's what happens when you meddle with time. You have to deal with the consequences. And, to be honest, I think it turned out for the better," Hermione pointed out. "I know I'm happy that I'm not married to Ronald!"

"And I'm happy that I'm not married to Hermione! Although that habit of correcting you when you're wrong does start to grow on you…"

"…but he does have great hair…"

"…those teeth…"

"…those eyes…"

"…those teeth…"

"…that smile…"

"…are hideous!"

"Ron! I had them fixed, remember?" Hermione smiled to show off her perfect teeth.

"Oh… that's right! I love you, Hermione!"

"I love you too, Ron!" And with that, the two arch-enemies embraced.

Harry blinked from behind his desk. "Okay… that was really weird…"

"I think I may have an explanation. Although I'm afraid that it's a rather paranormal one," Dumbledore said.

"Of course! You _always_ have an answer!" Aberforth said sarcastically.

"Shut up, you little nose-picker!"

"Hey, that only happened once… in first year… Can't you just let it go?"

"No. Now, what was I saying? Ah, yes, my theory. I believe that on that fateful night nine years ago, something happened. When Miss, er, what was her name again? Ah, right! It was Slooprighther! Anyway, when Miss Sflooberhumdiffer--"

"Don't you mean Slooprighther?" Harry asked.

"Right. When Miss Slooprighther came into our world, something happened. We diverged from our predestined path, otherwise termed 'canon', and strayed into a new parallel dimension. Now, I believe, the two worlds are slowly beginning to overlap and we are beginning to revert back to our 'canon' states as described in the books Miss Flubbywubby--"

"Slooprighther!" Harry corrected.

"—yes, that—had brought into our world. Now, considering it took nine years for these effects to start showing, I believe that these two universes are merging slowly… very slowly. So now, Mr. Weasley and Miss. Granger are falling in love and Mr. Black has reverted to a sound mental state, correct?" He threw a glance at Ron and Hermione, who were now snogging shamelessly in front of everyone.

"Well, er, yes. How did you know that was what I was calling him in here for? It was supposed to be a surprise!" Harry turned to Sirius. "You're almost clear; you just need to have your hearing before the Board of Mental Health and then you'll be free to leave Azkaban Psychiatric Facilities for the Mentally Unstable."

Sirius smiled. "I had a feeling. But continue; this is an intriguing idea."

"You know, you're not the first man to say that to my brother. Although the first time it was in a more suggestive tone," Aberforth commented.

"Are you implying that I'm--"

"No, but I'm saying he--"

"That's enough!" Harry said. "Continue, Professor."

"Thank you, Harry, but there's no need to call me Professor anymore," Dumbledore said, "So now, if my estimations are correct, the worlds will be completely fused in about…" Dumbledore counted on his fingers for a moment. "… ninety years… give or take. By that time, we'll all be dead and everything will be the way it's supposed to be, although, those of us who were supposed to die might suffer from a slightly decreased lifespan."

"Well, then, you should croak any day!" Aberforth commented.

"I did not say that they would be turned into frogs; I said they would die."

Aberforth rolled his eyes and said, "Okay, you're the 'smart' one. I see a few holes in your theory, but I'm going to keep them to myself."

"Can I go now?" Barty Sr. asked. "I don't like being here and I feel that I've taken enough time off as it is."

"Mr. Crouch, you've only been here for about an hour and a half," Harry pointed out.

"And that's an hour and a half's work not done!"

Barty Jr. rolled his eyes. "See, I told you he was a dork!"

"I will not sit here and allow myself to be abused like this! I'm leaving!" Barty Sr. got up from his chair and exited the room.

"Father, wait!" Barty Jr. called out, running after his father. "I just want to be loved!"

"Well, that was weirder…" Harry said, tapping his pen to his lip.

"Yeah…" Everyone else in the room agreed.

Harry looked at his watch and then said, "I believe that our session is done for today. And it seems like we've made a lot of progress…" Harry looked over at Ron and Hermione, who were continuing to snog without shame. "Guys, time to go!"

Ron and Hermione broke apart, both blushing.

"I don't think you need to come back to this session, again…" Harry said with a smile.

"Of course… thank you for talking us into doing this, Harry," Ron said. "This is the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life."

"Me too," Hermione said as she stared into Ron's eyes. With that, the two left the room, staring into the other's eyes while wearing a lovey-dovey expression.

"I'm sure we'll reach a breakthrough eventually," Dumbledore said with a shrug and left the room with Aberforth.

Harry smiled and turned to his godfather. "I don't think there's anything else we need to discuss, Sirius. Be in this room at one o'clock this afternoon."

"Thank you, Harry," Sirius said and left the room.

* * *

Harry and Ginny, as it turns out, still got married and had James, Albus, and Lily as their children. Harry decided not to pursue the Auror career that he was destined for and, instead, decided to get a degree in psychiatry and set up the first wizarding psychiatric ward, getting permission from Minister Shacklebolt to convert Azkaban into such. Ginny still played Quidditch for the Holyhead Harpies. 

After years of couples' counseling, Ron and Hermione finally reconciled and got married. They still had their children, Hugo and Rose. They pursued their 'canon' jobs.

Sirius was transferred into Azkaban Psychiatric Facilities for the Mentally Unstable shortly after it was built. He was Harry's first cured patient. After getting out, Sirius was employed by Fred, George, and Ron as a salesperson at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Eventually, he became a cofounder and helped create new items for prank-pulling. He never married.

Remus Lupin and Tonks got married after four years of dating. Teddy was their only child.

Fred, George, and Percy were all relatively unaffected by their brief brush with insanity. Fred and George ran Weasley's Wizard Wheezes with Ron and Sirius while they entered Percy in their sponsored "World's Biggest Prat" contest. Percy came in second; the winner was actually none other than Draco Malfoy. Percy worked as Kingsley's right-hand man in the Ministry and eventually became Minister of Magic. The year following his election, he won the "World's Biggest Prat" Contest. This time, the runner-up was Peeves, who had submitted himself as a practical joke fifty-two times.

Dumbledore was inspired to contact Aberforth again and seek family counseling to repair their broken relationship. He held the position of Hogwarts Headmaster until his death and published his thesis on fictitious worlds and their alternate branches. He won an incredibly prestigious and shiny award for it.

Neville became Herbology professor after Professor Sprout resigned. His dreams of giant dancing tacos plagued him for the rest of his life, in spite of his sessions with Harry. Harry attributed this repetitive occurrence to Neville's fear of flying.

Fudge lost his position of Minister of Magic after his attempted murder of Harry. He was transferred into Azkaban Psychiatric Facilities for the Mentally Unstable.

Severus Snape became Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher after Lupin resigned and Moody refused the job (a reformed Gellert Grindewald came to take the position of Potions Master… apparently Dumbledore had connections in the prison in which Grindewald was kept). In his off-time, he released a line of incredibly successful hair-care products called: "Grease-B-Gone: It's the One that You Want!". He, of course, died incredibly rich and famous… with great hair!

After the tragic death of Buckbeak (because nobody had gone back in time to save him), Hagrid decided that, for the sake of all of the living magical creatures in the world, and the unborn ones as well, he should resign from the Care of Magical Creatures position and resume his gamekeeper duties. Xenophilius Lovegood replaced him for an incredibly entertaining class. He was later murdered by a highly disgruntled Professor Grubbyplank, who, once again, was beaten out by a less capable male teacher. This, of course, devastated Luna, who took over the Quibbler and began to run "I Hate Professor Grubbyplank" articles sent in by students. As a result of this, and the uncovering of her part in Xenophilius' murder, Professor Grubbyplank was fired and institutionalized. Luna took her position in loving memory of her father. She married Neville, which Harry interpreted as a manifestation of her grief for her father.

Peter Pettigrew led a fairly normal life. He made millions of dollars becoming the greatest wizarding singer of all time; greater than the Weird Sisters or Celestina Warbeck. Everyone adored him and nobody even remembered that he was the one who betrayed the Potters to their deaths. He ended up marrying a Muggle supermodel and had fifteen kids. Bet you didn't see _that_ coming, did you?

Moody refused to accept the position of Back-Up Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher. He decided to retire and lived a very comfy lifestyle, although he was always convinced that his rosebushes were conspiring to kill him and that his floor would give out at any moment. Some things just never change…

Azkaban Psychiatric Facilities for the Mentally Unstable (APFMU) was an all-wizarding psychiatric center founded by Harry Potter as soon as he got his degree in psychiatry. It hopes to rehabilitate its occupants so that they may be safely integrated into a normal lifestyle. It also provides therapy for those who desire it. Its most famous occupants were Bellatrix Lestrange, Cornelius Fudge, Barty Crouch Jr., Dolores Jane Umbridge, Former Professor Grubbyplank, and Tom Marvolo Riddle (otherwise known as Lord Voldemort).

Voldemort was never resurrected or killed, even though Fudge's failed killing curse did destroy the bit of his soul within Harry. Thanks to the help of Peter Pettigrew, who went back to him pretending to be loyal, he was found and captured by Ministry of Magic authorities. He was then placed in a solitary magic-proof room at Azkaban Psychiatric Facilities for the Mentally Unstable.

As for Mary Suewriter… she's still out there somewhere, still writing fanfiction; good ones or bad ones… well, nobody quite knows.

* * *

And that's the end of the story. Thanks got to Mina-chan AMD, Ogreatrandom, Flamespirit-eth, and Jellicle-in-the-box for reviewing for the previous chapter. Please leave lots of reviews! 


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